Accidental or not, the SportEYZ shape takes inspiration from the venerable Oakley M-Frame, that iconic bit of eyewear that has been the go-to for SWAT teams and Tour de France ex-champions. To boot: the SportEYZ retention system improves on the ghastly ophthalmologist-approved, claw-in-skin method, using a simple drawstring that provides goggle-like security. And if that security were to fail in the struggle against your high-octane lifestyle? Well, you're in luck, Johnny Utah, you can buy another one. It takes around 10 SportEYZ to equal the price of a pair of Wayfarers.
Ethan Mann is an editor at Supercompressor. He is terrified of the eye doctor because that machine looks like that Clockwork Orange prop. Hear more phobias on his Twitter @ewolffmann.