At this point, I view Amazon as the father I never had—a fact that my loving father has had a difficult time coming to terms with. It's an understatement to say they've got everything, but after uncovering a plethora of smutty books, (mostly) legal drugs, and a seemingly endless supply of Nicolas Cage-emblazoned merchandise, deeming Amazon as the site that has it all becomes more appropriate by the day.
We've all seen the worst they can offer, but how about the deadliest!? I scoured Amazon in search for the hardest, sharpest, and most electric items I could find. Why? The only reason I write any of my articles: revenge-inspired journalism. Hold on to your butts.
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1. The Tactical Blowgun—$26.99 Complete with a carrying sling, this blowgun requires a steady arm, precise aim, and a strong blast of breath. A dart in the jugular is the kind of death that would bring extreme shame upon your enemy and their family and—most importantly—would lead to an embarrassing epitaph.
2.Phazzer Enforcer—$629.99 The most straightforward tool of, both, self-defense and regular defense, this stun gun does not f*ck around. What do you call it when, in all caps, you're told that you do not need a background check when purchasing a stun gun? Ah yes, joy. That's the feeling. Two darts deliver 80,000 volts for 10 second cycles and shoots up to 15 feet away. It's the kind of pain that will leave your assailant on the ground, swimming in their own feces, vomit, and tears.
3. Steel Throwing Star—$15.95 User reviews for this ninja star express that you need a precise eye and strong arm to effectively vanquish your enemy. They don't say the word "vanquish" or "enemy," but it's pretty much implied. Be warned, this particular weapon is shipped without a carrying case, so only transport when necessary—which is all the time.
4.Steel Handmade Sword—$1,900 Two grand is a bit steep when it comes to the art of combat, unless it's an expertly-crafted handmade sword from the Zhejiang province in China. Boom—instant credibility. This blade is made from Damascus steel and iron, which is repeatedly folded and hammered during production to give you a sword with incredible strength and quality. If you see this thing coming towards you, you'd better hope you weren't the one who pissed off the one holding it. Did you even watch Kill Bill, bro?
5.Stun Gun Flashlight—$19.99 If $2,000 is pricey for a sword, $20 is a little on the cheap side for a stun gun, am I right? The great thing about this 25,000,000 volt stun gun is that it quite literally doubles as a flashlight. Oh yeah, it also produces 25 million volts of pure punishment. The description of what actually happens to a person shocked by 25 million volts is priceless: "...Our attacker will lose balance, lose muscle control, and suffer confusion and disorientation that brings him down to his knees." Bangarang!
6.Twin Blade Batarang—$10 Aside from the original Batman's awesome shark repellant, the Batarang might be the most iconic of all of the caped crusader's weapons. While this $10 version is going to undoubtedly be a bit less threatening thatn the one thrown by Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and (hehe) George Clooney, the dual blades and sexy emblem is all you really need for a memorable scuffle. Robin not included.
7.Survival Spear—$72.21 At nearly four feet in length, with an eight-inch blade, the survival spear is the weapon you'll never see coming—from a mile away. I mean, honestly, who carries a spear? The razor-sharp blade measures at half an inch thick and is made from stainless steel for maximum jabbing capabilities. Also included is a rubber sheath, so hey, go nuts.
8.Throwing Knife Set—$8.98 Q: What's better than one throwing knife? Three throwing knives. These 5.5 inch stainless steel blades are only as deadly as your aim is precise—but with a set of three, your chance of success is technically upped by...30 percent?
Bonus amazing review: "I have three daughters. The oldest is 12. No boyfriends, yet. This seemed like a sensible, strategic purchase."
9. Boker Swiss Dagger—$1,623.95 Obviously, the biggest question surrounding this dagger is: "hey, why am I paying $1,623 for a dagger? The answer lies within the details of this sexy-ass deadly weapon: black hand-selected ebony wood handle, stainless steel hand-guard and pommel, a custom-sewn sheath, and there are only 500 available. It's the Angelina Jolie of knives. Yes, it'd feel terrible to get stabbed with a Boker Swiss Dagger—but the knowledge that your murder weapon is this beautiful? Priceless?
10.Tibetan Ceremonial Stick—$3,899.99 Official description on Amazon: "As a tool of exorcism, [this] may be employed to hold demons or thought-forms in place once they have been expelled from their human hosts."
That's right, you're looking at an extremely old, rare, mysterious, possibly-magical Tibetan exorcism dagger. What is there to even say about such a bizarre item—especially concerning its availability on the Internet. While its use is to technically save a human being from, um, ghosts, there's no doubt that this 5-pound tool could cause a lot of pain when brought down on an unsuspecting jerk's head. So yeah, this is for sale online.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and you're going to like the way you look—he guarantees it.