Let's get real. It's time to admit that the dying art of present-giving is best left to the professionals. With this year's holidays approaching quickly, followed by the next year's holidays, followed by the following year's holidays, there simply are too many holidays in existence to hit that streak of consistently hitting the gift-giving jackpot.
With the spirit of the season flowing through our two-sizes-too-small hearts, we present these nine monthly subscription boxes that are a gentle reminder that it's okay to let a third-party expert handle this sort of pressure. Plus, no one said you couldn't sign up for these yourself.
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Nick Wooster For Birchbox—$20/Month Fashion savant, taste-maker, and Ted Danson-lookalike, Nick Wooster, has collaborated with Birchbox to bring you an insanely handsome kit filled with some grooming brands to keep the ugly off your face for years to come. Kiehl's, Malin + Goetz, and Baxter of California are just a few of the names to expect in the Wooster zippered case.
Universal Yums—$25/Month It's a global snack adventure! Every month, you'll receive a box of snacks from one new country (this month is Germany) with six-13 snacks on the inside, ranging from pieces of chocolate to mysterious bags of fried something-or-other. Shipping is always free, as is the newly-attached talent of knowing what a "Schluckwerder Marzipan" tastes like.
Carnivore Club—$55/Month Chew on this—every month a box full of delicious, savory, salty meats is delivered to your door in a manly faux-wooden box. Have you died and gone to a version of heaven where they allow Carnivore Club to reign supreme? Possibly. You can never have enough meat in your fridge and we wager a guess that you'll need a bigger fridge after signing up.
Ten Days Of Kwanzaa or Whatever—$15/Month The monsters behind Cards Against Humanity bring you 10 days of mystery presents that could range anywhere from booster card packs to boxes full of literal bull sh*t. We're anxious and mostly-frightened about what's going to appear in the mailbox, but we'll keep you in the loop—pending the thing in the box doesn't have a taste for human flesh.
The Cocksman Club—$20/Month What is it about the holidays that makes people so miserable, horny, and miserably horny? You can quell that sexual frustration (pending everything works down there) with the Cocksman Club. It's inconceivably simple—$20 a month gets you a big ol' box of rubbers delivered to your doorstep. Buying condoms without any judging stares from cashiers? That's almost as pleasurable as not using condoms in the first place!
Fuego Box—$29.95/Month Hot sauce is in, people! With the world finally coming to terms with their bloodlust for spicy things, Fuego Box is here to curate your experience and deliver bottles of sauce for your more-likely-than-not bland-ass food. Simply sign up and expect two to three bottles of the good stuff shortly after. Just make sure to keep it away from your box of condoms—because, you know, yikes.
Glassful—$54/Month It's actually pretty surprising that there aren't more clones of Glassful out there. This subscription service pairs somelier-picked bottles of wine based exclusively on your specific tastes and delivers you three bottles every month. As long as your taste in wine has any semblance of expertise, you're going to be happy.
Merchants Of Beverage—$Varied This one's really exciting. There are so many booze delivery services out there, but not a lot that have this level of detail. The Cocktail Kit is what you should go for—you can choose a simple Negroni Kit, complete with Junipero Gin, Carpano Antica Formula, and one bottle of Campari—or the "New York through the Ages" box with Chief Gowanus New Netherland Gin, Luxardo Maraschino Liqueur, and Ferrand Dry Curacao. This is how you give the gift of mixology, people.
Japan Crate—$30/Month We love, love, love our neighbors out East. The Japanese have brought us some mind-blowing products along the lines of faux-ramen iPhone docks and sushi socks, so there's no real reason to pass up on Japan Crate. Every month, you'll get a box full of snacks from your favorite Asian island. We recommend the Premium Plan, which sets you up with two pounds of mystery snacks.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and hopes his parents are reading this article, because he wants all of these for Hanukkah.