Lifestyle

This Swiss Army Knife Is An Absolute Beast

Well, we've just found the most ridiculous Swiss Army Knife of all time. Seriously. The Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife is a monster. 87 implements, 141 functions, and over 600 reviews on Amazon that show its utter power. So, without further adieu, here's every single function of the knife alongside the finest reviews on Amazon.

"...stuck into a stone while on vacation. I'm impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility." [Full Review]

2.5-inch 60% serrated locking blade
Nail file
Nail cleaner
Corkscrew
Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
Removable screwdriver bit adapter
2.5-inch blade for Official World Scout Knife
Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
Removable screwdiver bit holder
Phillips head screwdriver bit 0 Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
Magnetized recessed bit holder
Double-cut wood saw with ruler
Chain rivet setter
Removable 5mm

"Within hours of receiving this knife, my voice deepened to a rich baritone, and began sprouting body hair. I assumed this was simply a side effect of the testosterone-boosting manliness of this exceptional utility weapon; alas, it was actually a reaction to the half-lifing Strontium 90 rod, nestled snugly between the ball stud loosening tool and the periodontal scaler." [Full Review

Allen wrench
Screwdriver for slotted and Phillips head screws
Removable tool for adjusting spokes
10mm Hexagonal key for nuts
Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver
Patented locking screwdriver
Universal wrench
2.4-inch springless scissors with serrated self-sharpening design
1.65-inch clip point utility blade
Phillips head screwdriver
2.5-inch clip-point blade
Club face cleaner
2.4-inch round tip blade
Patented locking screwdriver
Cap lifter
Can opener

"Received this knife as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I'd have known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache and became a Navy Seal. Mom fainted and my dad laughed and handed me a beer. I was born a girl. Minus 2 stars because my breasts were really nice." [Full Review]

Shoe spike wrench
Divot repair tool
4mm Allen wrench
2.5-inch blade
Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
Double-cut wood saw with ruler
Cupped cigar cutter with double honed edges
12/20-gauge choke tube tool
Watch case back opening tool
Snap shackle
Mineral crystal magnifier
Compass
Straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
Telescopic pointer
Fish scaler

"I put this knife in my checked-in baggage. Before the flight took off, I was escorted out of the plane. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by TSA, FBI, CIA, LAPD, TGIF, and NSYNC. Turns out this thing has a mini grenade snuck in one of the compartments. I am writing from a classified prison now and don't know if I will make it out of here alive. I love you mom." [Full Review

Hook dis-gorger
Line guide
Shortix laboratory key
Micro tool holder
Micro tool adapter
Micro scraper, straight
Micro scraper,curved
Laser pointer with 300-foot range
Metal file
Metal saw

"I forgot the knife in the front pocket of my Swiss Army shorts and when my wife washed them it completely disassembled our washing machine." [Full Review]

Flashlight
Micro tool holder
Phillips head screwdriver 1.5mm
Screwdriver 1.2mm
Screwdriver .8mm
Fine fork for watch spring bars
Reamer
Pin punch 1.2mm
Pin pinch .8mm
Round needle file

"I took this Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant into what I thought was a stable wormhole opening in the space time continuum. While the Amazon stress free packaging was a help, it didn't help me when I needed to travel 70 years back to my origin point." [Full Review]

Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
Removable tool holder
Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights
Flat Phillips head screwdriver
Chisel-point reamer
Mineral crystal magnifier
Small ruler
Extension tool
Sping-loaded, locking flat nose needle-nose pliers
Removable screwdriver bit holder
Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm

"I had always wondered how Switzerland remained neutral through two world wars armed with nothing more than pocket knives. Now I know." [Full Review]

Magnetized recessed bit holder
Tire tread gauge
Fiber optic tool holder
Can opener
Patented locking screwdriver
Cap lifter
Wire stripper
Reamer
Awl
Toothpick
Tweezers
Key ring

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and can't remember the last time he was this impressed.