There's almost nothing better than spending a day laying fresh tracks with your buddies at the local mountain. The powder, the park, the awesome amount of junk food you rationalize eating because you're getting "exercise." It's a great American pastime that, unfortunately, always seems to be ruined by one of these people:
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The Five-Year-Old Kid Doing A Full Pizza Through The Half-Pipe How do you have no fear of bodily harm? Look around you! Trained professionals are turning into paraplegics at an alarming rate. You look like you can't even tie your shoes yet.
The Woman Wrestling Underneath Her Jacket In Preparation For The Bra Tree Are you sure you should be doing this? Don't you need that thing? Oh god wait, is that a corset? Who the hell wears a corset skiing??
That Guy In The Speed Suit Who Really Shouldn't Be You were captain of the ski team in the early seventies, Dad. That was literally 40 years ago. Dad...stop. DAD...STAHP!
The Rich Kid That Somehow Has Next Year's Gear Paired With Last Year's Ability Congrats dude, really stoked for you that you're rocking the same skis as Bode Miller. It's a shame you're scared sh*tless by that menacing blue square over there named "Baby Bear."
The Hungover Lift Operator Whose Name Tag Says He's From Michigan At least this guy is contributing someth... oh wait dude, you're supposed to hold it while I get on! Dude I'm falling! What the hell this is your fault man, stop laughing, you colossal dick.
The Twin Tip Skier Wearing A Body Length Ron Artest Jersey And Arguably No Pants How is this functional? Aren't you freezing? There's no way having your pants at your ankles provides an adequate range of motion for the umpteen hours you plan on spending in the terrain park today.
That One Guy Who's Been Wearing The Same Onesie Since The Early Eighties Actually, you're awesome. Any chance you can teach us how to ski with our boots glued together without dying?
The Stoned Local On His Day Off If you're gonna hit a bong in the gondola, the least you could do is share, dude. Also, how are you skiing with a bong?
The Guy In The Hawaiian Shirt And Shorts Get a hold of yourself man! Spring skiing is three months away.
The Drunk Bachelor Party That Has Miraculously Hidden An Entire 30 Rack On Themselves Nothing quite like a well shaken Natty Ice™ to start your day... godspeed you poor bastards.
That Guy Who Has Literally No Idea How To Ride A Lift Congratulations dickwad, you've just shaved three runs off of our day. Go home, or at the very least head down to the magic carpet lift to get your bearings straight.
That Chick In The Onesie Whose Body Shape You Can't Quite Make Out But Are Gonna Hit On Anyways You're the mountain equivalent of a girl wearing oversized sunglasses, congratulations.
The Seven-Year-Old Kid Who Just Destroyed The Terrain Park In A Way You Will Never Hope To When did you start snowboarding, in the womb??
The Group Unwilling To Fill The Open Seats On A Crowded Chair Lift It's a high-speed quad, not a high-speed quad-or-triple-if-you-don't-want-to-share-your-weed.
That One Guy On Telemark Skis Wo Won't Shut Up About It We get it bro, "Free your heel, free your soul." Just don't push your politics on us, k?
Dudes Who Purposely Shake The Chairlift To Make It Go Up And Down Making Everyone Nauseous If there was a thing called the Civilian Death Penalty, you would be at the top of our list for punishable crimes.
Kids On Leashes Actually, you know what? Thank you. Your parents are wise not to let you more than four feet in front of them, lest you turn into half-pipe pizza boy.
Sal Masakela This guy and the X Games (which actually just started at Aspen Snowmass) have been inextricably linked since the beginning of time. Nobody is naturally this stoked on life. Nobody.