Emojis are a sexy, complicated, often misunderstood entity that have made a cozy little home within the hands of every man, woman, and child on earth—or, at least—in the hands of the ones who can afford a smartphone. It's a tiny, little emoticon that expresses anything from irreverence to love and it deserves a place on your warm fleshy torso.
The poop emoji's long and colorful history started in Japan during the pre-Tinder era of the 1990s. They apparently craved a way to express their distaste for events or ideas without the hassle of cussing. True, years would pass before the poop emoji would hit American soil and change the way people responded to phrases like: "I love you."
Emblazoning this never-ending poop pattern on your sun-starved torso shows your undying support for the little emoji that could. It's a sharp, slim, handsome button-up that screams: "I love sh*t, but not in that way."
Judging by this photo, adorning your body in this poop-shirt will instill your soul with a fresh feeling of courage that will finally allow you to end put an end to your toxic marriage. Because you make the decisions in your life and should be able to hold glasses of nondescript brown liquid in your right hand for as long as you damn please.
Because of the shirt's slim cut, it's suggested to order a size up. Either that or you can try scaling that mountain you've been talking about.
You know what? F*ck it. You don't have to climb a damn mountain just to prove a point—you don't have to do anything you don't want to do...that's what mother always told you.
You're your own person and you have a big juicy brain filled with good ideas and you will wear a shirt covered in little sh*ts. At the end of the day, the Poo Emoji Button-Up Shirt is a bold shout akin to Captain Kirk's Khan scream that will force your friends and peers to lance palms with high-fives.
If you don't like it, I will personally refund you out of my own pocket—but you'll have to catch me first.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan many times.