Are you that guy who won't shut up about the subtle art of Curling? Or are you more of a bloodthirsty NASCAR fan with money on what turn Bode Miller will bite the ice? Then again, maybe you got your first Bruins tattoo at age 12. Any way you slice it, for every sport there's a fan - the only question is, which one are you?
Alpine Skiing Smugly lounging on your couch, you've realized you don’t want this to end well for Hans Fritzsmüllenheimer, Karl Vershillenberger, or any of these unpronounceable Nordic nerds. Every time they catch an edge, your heart skips a beat - nothing like a yard sale at 80 mph to get you going. If this were Rome, you'd have season tickets to the Colosseum.
Biathlon You are convinced that you're a far better shot than these clowns, and you can't fathom why they would bother to ski uphill through the woods for 20 miles before unloading a clip. Why don't they just shoot trap in the back yard like civilized human beings?
Bobsled You participated in the Jamaican bobsled team's crowdfunding campaign to get them to Sochi and have a fatty rolled and ready. Your mom has been begging you to throw away that dreadlock beanie since the 8th grade.
Figure Skating You're weirdly turned on by the prospect of a 15-year-old Russian snapping after years of rigid practice, causing her to unleash her blades on her helicopter parents to the Swan Lake soundtrack. You also didn't know she was 15 till just now. Gross, dude.
Freestyle Skiing You have a sneaking suspicion that a wipeout on a mogul course will result in way more serious injuries than it would on the alpine course. You briefly smiled at that thought before busting out the popcorn and cranking the volume.
Hockey You live in Boston. Miracle makes you cry. You think this is the only real sport in the Olympics. Why isn't football in the Olympics, Brady played in the snow! Or basketball? That's a winter sport! And why did they take baseball out in the summer. NOMAH!
One Person Luge Every time the "Desperado" comes on the radio, you have to listen to it from start to finish. You identify with the luge participant ("luger?") and wonder whether he used to do two-person luge and if his co-pilot dumped him too - "Damnit Carl, this was supposed to be our year!"
Two Person Luge You LOVE Top Gun.
Nordic Combined Cross-country skiing is too boring to watch, but since you just read a HuffPo post on gun control, you feel gross watching biathlon. Fortunately, there's another option that is much more refined, because it has style points instead of bullets. That being said, you're not not hoping that one of these dudes does a flying squirrel belly flop.
Short Track Speed Skating You have the sneaking suspicion those 18-inch blades would cause an international incident between Korea, Russia, China, Japan, and the U.S. if Canada weren't there. You’re also curious what the TSA policy is on those bad boys. They still won't give back your Swiss Army Knife, those dicks.
Skeleton You live in a state without income tax and are proud of never having worn a seatbelt.
Ski Jumping You didn't see enough blood in the downhill. This is your dessert course.
Snowboard You seriously question the judging algorithms of the X-Games. You also heard a rumor that Shaun White has tiny hands. This makes you happy.
Long Track Speed Skating You're not an ambiturner, Derek.