George Washington famously said that there are only three things in life that a man needs: "Cookies, boobies, and an axe, to chop down your father's arrogant fruit trees". Get that axe on your own time, cuz the rest is at 69 Cookies
69 Cookies is an over-the-top, erotic sweet-snack company, started by three Valley dudes from the real-estate, financial consulting, and design worlds who initially decided to start a company selling the world's best cookie, only to come to the alarming realization that Soft Batch already exists. Instead, they opted to hand-ice and cut sugar and chocolate-chip cookies in provocative/ridiculous shapes, like the "Hiney Floss" (a badonkadonk-shaped cookie in sparkly undies), the self-explanatory "Bukakke", and a kneeling, naked tattooed women's back called "Suc Me Blue", also the exact phrase that shocked to death Will Ferrell's fallen frat pledge. There're also a slew of options to send your girlfriend/quickly initiate a sexual harassment suit with a workmate, like the erect "Casper the Very Friendly Ghost", the Japan-and-tube-sock destroying "Cockzilla", and "Started Without You," which features a hand holding a member, or as you know it, "And Finished Without You, and Have Never Met You Anyway Because I Don't Get Out Much".
69 also offers customizable "Cookiegrams" that include whatever message you wanna send, and they also sell shorts, tees, and -- oddly -- lampshades, three things that George Washington never had to deal with, since that dude just walked around zoning on sugar, with an axe.