The perfect burger harmoniously blends simple-yet-expressive elements, melding dripping juices with the refreshing crunch of lettuce, the gooey tang of melted cheese, and the subtle foundation of bun -- all barely noticeable after sodomizing it with Chili Cheese Fritos and a half-bottle of Hidden Valley. Wise up and get patties with the flavor already in 'em, from Built Burger.
Shipped from Seattle, BB's taste-infused burgs were dreamed up by two guys so tired of bland backyard BBQs, they created a meatwich that could "combine your favorite flavors" and "stand on its own, sans bun, sans toppings", whereas previously, a burger divided against its Heinz was destined to fall. Their solution's twofold: 1) to ensure maximum freshness, each 100% all-natural beef patty's crafted by hand when you order (then flash frozen and FedEx'd to you in dry ice) and 2) pumping up flavor by blending a tongue-melting array of farmhouse vegetables, glorious cheeses, and imported spices into the meat, ensuring each bite'll deliver on the promised flavor, unlike those damn microchips and hemorrhoid donuts. Options include the Magnificent Chorizo, with house-made namesake sausage, roasted poblanos, cotija cheese, and cilantro; the Trailblazer, featuring cave-aged Gruyere, fresh caraway seeds, and caramelized onions; and the Luxe Italian, which boasts 14 ingredients (carrots, pine nuts, raisins...), and's made from the Bolognese trio of beef, veal, and pork, finally allowing burger lovers and Italian purists to compromise on the best route to a coronary.
Should beef not fit the bill, altermeat options include the Thrill BBQ Pork (ground and pulled pork that's been slow-roasted in custom bbq sauce, w/ peppers, onions, and chipotle), the Thai-inspired Utopia Chicken (w/ mint, lime, fish sauce, etc.), and the Heavenly Lamb, with Kalamata olive/feta/hot pepper, elements whose mingling in your mouth will sodomize your chances of any later harmonious gooey tang.