You originally bought houseplants to convince women that underneath your roguishness lay a responsible provider -- unfortunately, those withered husks suggest any child you don't malnourish will be caught in a blazing apartment fire. Become a green master, with EasyBloom
Born of a technology vet's infatuation with sensors, Easy's a PhD-veloped, web-enabled tool that precisely interprets your crib's environmental conditions, and then suggests leafage that'll thrive in said dank mancave. Hardware consists of a detachable USB drive and a dual-pronged sensor component, which are placed in the desired planting location for 24 hours to collect data; plug the drive into your comp, log on to the website, and Easy'll use advanced botany algorithms to winnow a 5000+ library down to greenery ideally suited to the spot's temp, sunlight, relative humidity, etc., while dangerously omitting factors like beer mist and hovering bong smoke. Results can be narrowed by size, shape, foliage characteristics, bloom season, bloom color, zip code (if you're planting outside), etc., and entries can be saved to a personal database for easy access to photos and care info concerning areas such as pest control, soil/water requirements, and pruning, i.e., "pinch to promote density", and "what's up with those eyebrows?"
EB also has a watering mode to alert you when your greenage needs dampening, and a monitoring mode that'll address the maladies of a specific plant, dire straits your leafy friend wouldn't have fallen into had you not been selfishly feeling up that hot mother of two.