Whether it means waking up early on Sundays, or limply claiming that turkey bacon is just as good as the real thing, religion can really crush the human spirit. That's about to change, thanks to Intentional Chocolate.
Based in LA and NorCal, IC gives you the sweet stuff with a saffron-robed twist: its products are clinically proven to give you more energy & vigour, plus a heightened state of well-being, thanks to blessings from Buddhist monks, finally giving something back after gutting the Milarepa Fund like coke-addled trust funders. Sounds like BS, but: IC put Dalai Lama-approved senior priests in a room with chocolates from its parent company, Hawaiian Vintage (once called "the best chocolate in the world" by the NY Times, who love snacking), and had them intone "An individual who consumes this chocolate will manifest optimal health and functioning at physical, emotional, and mental levels, and in particular will enjoy an increased sense of energy, vigour, and well-being" before meditating on the phrase for 20 minutes, approximately the time it just took you to suss out its shaky subject/verb agreements. In a peer-reviewed, double-blind study, eating one ounce of their chocolate a day was found to increase these goals by up to 1000% (heightened states of waistline went unreported).
The morsels themselves range from standard dark, to truffles, to choco-covered goji berries; since monks are super-busy contemplating the void, IC now uses electronic devices that simulate the effect -- still proven to work miracles, though not the kind that could make turkey taste as good as swine.