Kymera Wand

People have long tried to make remote controls cooler, from putting them on your watch to outfitting them with touchscreens, but all those people just lost, because guess what: there's a remote that's a magic goddamn wand. Pre-order it immediately: the Kymera.

Appropriately hatched outta the land of Harry Potter and possibly the greatest thing ever made ever, the Kymera's a highly authentic "magic" wand that functions as a universal remote for anything with an infrared sensor, from TVs to ceiling fans, simply by using its 13 predefined gestures, via their revolutionary "action at a distance" technology -- which you could really benefit from, considering your crippling sex addiction and prohibitive fear of leaving the house. Borrowing breakthrough accelerometer technology developed by the auto industry, the wand uses a tiny silicon chip to measure g-forces and detect even the slightest movement in any direction, letting you assign specific motions to particular functions (adjust volume, change channel, skip track...), and is all wrapped up in a sleek scepter design, with its own presentation box made from "faux dragonhide", since the real stuff is pretty pricey, and is completely imaginary. To set things up, you've just got to sync a normal remote's individual functions with your desired wand movement by pointing them at one another and performing said movement, but they suggest first playing around with the wand in "Practice Mode" to get a feel for the different motions it recognizes, including pushing forward/back, tapping, rotating, and big swishes, although you shouldn't need much practice with that one, since you've been swishing your own wand since your mom started getting Sears catalogs.

To size up the mind-disintegrating magic, they've got an interactive 3D wand simulator on their website -- which is great, cause those watch simulators get old fast.