The FDA Just Cracked Down on Some Hilariously Named Sex Supplements
Lamar Odom is found near death in a Nevada brothel after taking wayyyy too many (read: any) "natural" sex supplements. The Kardashians rush to his hospital bedside. Soon after, the FDA cracks down on several sex and weight loss supplements over concerns of undeclared drugs in the formulas.
Do the Kardashians have direct influence over the FDA, and therefore the United States government? POSSIBLY.
While ingesting unknown drugs when what you want is an erection is bad and all, the names of these supplements are pretty great. Maybe if the FDA regulated supplements in the first place, we wouldn't have to worry about "unknowingly tak[ing] products laced with varying quantities of approved prescription drug ingredients, controlled substances, and untested and unstudied pharmaceutically active ingredients." But then again, maybe life is supposed to be full of mysteries, and we should extract what enjoyment we can from it while it lasts.
What follows is the amount of enjoyment we derived from these recently admonished supplements, not because we took them (we didn't), but because some of the names are just too damn good.
9. Fuel Up Plus
Please. It's going to take a lot more than "fueling up" to get the juices flowing in a totally natural way. Give the people some double, or even triple, entendres, some X's, SOMETHING to indicate bedroom pleasure.
8. Fuel Up High Octane
Slightly better, but high octane indicates a car, not passionate, all-natural promiscuity.
7. Paradise Suplemento Natural Ultra Plus
Paradise is a good start, but things get confusing with the mixing of languages. Also, I don't necessarily want to be reminded by the product's name that I'm supplementing my otherwise raging libido as I prepare for my tryst in paradise.
6. Ultra SX
Getting closer, and the omission of the "E" in "SEX" shows that when it comes to all-natural beastly acts, there's no time to spell, let alone come up with a more original adjective than "Ultra."
5. Sex-Love Secret Code
It's about time the all-natural supplement world addresses LOVE, the ultimate all-natural enhancer of sexual pleasure. Even better if you can acquire the sex-love secret code in totally untainted, unregulated capsule form.
Three X's, nice -- that indicates hot, steamy, all-natural action. Love the "predator" connotation, too, as apex predators scream virility, right before they kill and eat their prey. One-word name is a drawback, though; maybe a four-digit number to indicate the scale of sexual intensity achieved in a totally natural way?
3. Super Dragon 6000
Oh, there we go! 6000, the number of times you should be prepared to ejaculate naturally when taking Super Dragon 6000, an all-natural way to heighten your body's innate, unstoppable carnal desires.
2. Wild Sexx
YES. This is what we're looking for. To the point, with an extra X -- but they showed some restraint in not going for the obvious third X. For the professional who likes to mix business with naturally augmented pleasure on his trips to Thailand, and appreciates directness in all his affairs.
1. S.W.A.G.G.E.R. Extreme
Wow. Yes. I am in need of an intense, all-natural boost to my body's high-octane (maybe that term does work?) lechery. What an an acronym... what could it possibly mean? Sex While Always Getting Good Erections Really? Sweat While A Groomsman Gives Energetic Ripostes? See What Angers Girls Gone Extremely Rigid? Yikes. The tagline on S.W.A.G.G.E.R. Extreme boxes is "SEX WITH A GUN™" which, um, OK, love the enthusiasm, but why do we need a gun? Is this implying sex while holding a gun? Sex with an actual gun? Probably very, very, VERY illegal (and wrong) regardless, so please don't do that. At least it explains the first four letters of the acronym.
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Anthony Schneck is the health editor at Thrillist, and needs to call the FDA. Follow him @AnthonySchneck.