Health

Don't Feel Guilty: Masturbating Is Good for You

Published On 09/11/2015 Published On 09/11/2015
YouTube user AsapSCIENCE

Despite the ages-old tales of blindness, eternal damnation, and worst of all, hairy palms caused by masturbation, two Canadian scientists have produced a video to dispel the salami-slapping rumors once and for all. In fact, Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown of the YouTube channel AsapSCIENCE (not to be confused with A$AP Ferg, who once said, "I hate masturbating because you just feel wack after it" [how did he not know that was a pun?]) go to great lengths to tell you what grandma wouldn't: beating the meat and polishing the pearl are both good for you.

Among the health benefits of a date with Palmela Handerson and buffing the bonnet, the release of dopamine will reduce stress, while other endorphins released can reduce menstrual pain in women. Varnishing the flag pole has even been linked to helping fight off the common cold and reducing the risk of prostate cancer in men. But in less radical claims, another chemical released in self-release, prolactin, helps women sleep. Anyone who's hit the sack and then gone to bed would know that to be true.

These guys aren't just making up the facts willy-nilly, either; the YouTube page cites all the sources of facts and figures mentioned in the clip. Although they do warn: handling yourself the same way all the time can lead to problems when encountering a sexual partner. Try to mix things up.

It's not just single people who are going all Divinyls on themselves, either; 40% of women and 70% of men in relationships reported honing their hand skills within four weeks of a recent survey. All that is to say: lots of people, both single and committed, are masturbating themselves to happier, healthier lives.

What are you wanking waiting for?

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Ryan Craggs is Thrillist's Senior News Editor. He gets off on writing masturbation puns. But not in that way. Weirdo. For dick jokes, follow @ryanrcraggs.

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