Donald Trump Could Very Well Have a Tiny Penis, Says Science

Donald Trump, hands, Trump's penis
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

If there's one thing the American public has learned about front-running Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, it's that he doesn't tolerate low blows targeting a person's biology. So it should come as no surprise that Trump responded to Florida Senator/scared fourth-grader Marco Rubio's remarks about The Donald's allegedly small hands by assuring the country that not only are his paws yuge, but, you know what they say about big hands...

Basically, Donald Trump, the likely Republican nominee for president of the United States of America, claimed on national television that he's got a big dick. Is this true? Do big hands really mean Donald's packing heat, and not in a defend-your-Second-Amendment-rights kind of way?

What the science says

Researchers have tried, over and over, to determine how big everyone's dick is, with the noble scientific goal of making you feel inadequate. But in spite of all these studies, urologist Dr. Cameron Hill notes, "There’s no evidence that hand size has any correlation to penis size." Damn. There was a Korean study from a few years ago that suggested the ratio of your index-finger length to your ring-finger length is a good predictor of penile length, but even that is about ratio, not overall hand size. In short, big hands don't mean you have a big dick -- and, in The Donald's defense, small hands don't mean you have a small penis, either

Is this a case of "small penis syndrome"?

"It wouldn’t surprise you to know that as urologists we see a significant number of men who are concerned about the size of their penises," Dr. Hill adds. "A majority of them have completely normal penile lengths." Again, there's some twisted psychology going on here, with men who are obsessed over penis size potentially suffering from "small penis syndrome," which is more about anxiety than anything else. Looking at you, Rubio. Researchers don't mince words when they say, "Concern over the size of the penis, when such concern becomes excessive, might present as the ‘small penis syndrome’, an obsessive rumination with compulsive checking rituals, body dysmorphic disorder, or as part of a psychosis." You hear that, Rubio and Trump? PSYCHOSIS.

Where does this leave us on the critical issue of penises and the 2016 election? 

Until we have total transparency in the election process -- when "Where's the dick pic?" becomes the new "Where's the birth certificate?" -- all anyone can do is speculate based on what the candidates have claimed. Is Donald Trump a psychotic suffering from small penis syndrome? There's no way to be certain about anything, except that hands have virtually nothing to do with running the United States.

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Anthony Schneck is the Health editor at Thrillist, and he's encouraged that the main health issue this election is about hands and penises. Follow him: @AnthonySchneck.