The Jeans Guy
Changing out of jeans and into gym shorts is a waste of effort for this practical, no-nonsense fellow. You can usually find him pedalling away on the recumbent bike while wearing loafers. Like the Gigglers, the Jeans Guy is consistently slow, but consistently present. He's also usually alone. Go figure.
Signature hashtag: #SteadyEddie
The "Sweatin' When I'm an Oldie" Dude
Whether he found fitness in his 50s or he's been crankin' out workouts since he was just a Jester, the Sweatin’ When I'm an Oldie Dude is a gym superhero -- a legend, even. His birth certificate may say he's 85, but his six-pack abs and killer calves tell a whole different story. After his mid-morning workout, he's likely to be found telling war stories (about the gym) in the locker room to anyone who'll listen. He might be naked. He is retired, after all; what else is he supposed to do with his time?
Signature hashtag: #AgeIsJustANumber
The Idiot Family Man
The Idiot Family Man is the counterpoint to the Crazy New Mom. He rolls up to the gym with what seems like eight or nine kids (it's probably only two, but it's impossible to tell given how fast they move), then proceeds to turn them loose on the facility. He might even set his 5-year-old up on the treadmill or let his 11-year-old try to lift 50lb dumbbells. He doesn't think about risks or injuries, as long as he gets his own workout in.
Signature hashtag: #WODKids
Typically alone, this middle-aged lifter sticks to the outside of the gym, positioning himself wherever he has the best angle to watch women running on treadmills or doing squats in yoga pants. He often hangs outside the group exercise room, and may even feign an interest in yoga, just to strike up a conversation with a Class Diva. She has no time for him.
Signature hashtag: #DontMindMe
She's sexy and she knows it. She's also about 20 years older than the men she stalks like a lioness while setting up shop in the free weight area. She's likely to show off her ability to do 10 pull-ups and clapping push-ups while wearing nothing but booty shorts and a sports bra. This is all in an effort to distract the men she's after from realizing she has a son their age.
Signature hashtag: #MILFLife
The Hovering Trainer
The Hovering Trainer lacks the emotional intelligence to gauge gym-goers well, often hovering behind machines, waiting to jump into conversations where he wasn't invited. He awkwardly inserts the benefits of training into random conversations, leaving everyone at a loss for words. As in, "Oh, your daughter is starting band camp next week? Marching band really requires stamina. Why don't you and she sign up for group training so I can get you ready for the challenge?"
Signature hashtag: #TrainerLife
The "It's Cool, I Don't Need Help" Soloist
Whether it's due to embarrassment or unexplainable confidence, the Soloist doesn’t know what she doesn't know. She can often be found trying to do sit-ups on the assisted pull-up machine or chest presses on the lat pull-down machine.
Yeah, we don't know how, either.
The point is, she thinks she's doing everything right, and nothing you say will change her mind. Just expect her to keep doing weird-ass shit every damn day.
Signature hashtag: #GymFail
The Total Showoff
In contrast to the Soloist, the Total Showoff does weird-ass shit, but it's not wrong shit. It's actually pretty amazing. The kicker, though, is that he purposely selects exercises to make everyone else notice how amazing he is. He wants you to know he's better than you. And he is. He IS better than you.
Signature hashtag: #KillerWorkout