Boo! Remember the days when parents fretted over the possibility that some sadistic stranger had embedded razor blades into apples and passed them out on Halloween? The irony, of course, is that your "cautious" parents sent you into an insulin coma by letting you consume a metric ton of high-fructose corn syrup in a single night, which is far more dangerous than a few cuts on your tongue. There's nothing scarier than type 2 diabetes, folks, and who even has the time to embed a blade into an apple?
The economic and social toll of sugar-related chronic disease could all be avoided if America got rid of Halloween in favor of a fall festival celebrating seasonal foods. Come on, the kids will love it! Promise! Who wouldn't, when you're talking about some of the following delights.