Consider the ripe avocado. Bumpy on the outside, smooth on the inside, it's been compared to testicles for centuries, and is the tastiest health food sitting on your kitchen counter right now (you bought a few this week, right?).
You want one right now, don't you? If healthy fruit can be sexy, avocados fit the bill, and we're about to peel off its skin and talk about why. Now dim the lights and play the smooth jazz.
In more ways than one. They're good fat -- one of the best sources of healthy fat, in fact. They're practically bursting with vitamin C, protein, and other nutrients, as well as fiber and antioxidants that can help you feel young well into old age. The superfood moniker is not an exaggeration.
An avocado can pack all that goodness into less than 230 calories
One typical 137g California avocado -- the smaller, more common Hass variety with the bumpy exterior -- has 227 calories, not including its seed and skin. A typical 304g Florida avocado has 364 calories, is larger, and slightly less fatty (and thus have fewer calories per gram). Both varieties are nutritionally similar otherwise.
EVB Rule No. 3,859: Avocados will dramatically improve all aspects of life, up to and including (but not limited to) breakfast sandwiches, Miley Cyrus, and -- yes -- Reddit (more on that in just a sec). You can have it with every meal and feel terrific while doing so.
Why? Because avocado toast is the perfect, fast, easy, healthy goddamn breakfast, that's why. Here's how to make avocado toast in 3 minutes flat, so you can shove some into your mouth and smile the widest avocado-y smile next time you spot Jim Gaffigan out in this otherwise unforgiving world.
1. Toast one slice of whole-wheat bread.
2. Slice a ripe avocado in half.
3. Remove the seed with a spoon, and peel away the skin of the avocado with your knife.
4. Layer slices of the avocado onto your toast.*
*Eds. note: You can also probably smear the avocado on your toast if it's ripe enough. Or just forget the toast and shove the thing in your mouth only to have your significant other walk in, ask what you were doing, notice the avocado, and nod with understanding.
By the way, the gluten-free among you can easily adapt this recipe: simply replace the toast with a rice cake and proceed accordingly. (If you're allergic to avocados, however, the only thing I can offer you is this list of smartphone apps that might help with depression.)
Avocado marketing has poured millions of dollars into making this fruit incredibly sexy
Avocados weren't always at the top of the American fruit consumption consciousness. As a 2015 story in The Atlantic explained, the rise of the avocado from the 1920s to the modern day is "one of extreme feats of marketing and major shifts in ideas about nutrition."
In the early 20th century avocados were called "alligator pears" for their bumpy skin and odd look, and it definitely hurt the fruit's perception in the public eye. Avocado trade groups of the day knew they had to change the branding, and started labeling the fruit "avocado" or "avocado pears" -- or really anything sexier than swamp-dwelling reptiles.
The next step was to shift the context. "In the late '20s, the California Avocado Society billed Calavos, as they called them, the 'aristocrat of salad fruits' in ads in The New Yorker and Vogue," The Atlantic's Olga Khazan writes. "Recipes recommended pairing avocados with grapefruit or lobster." All of which sounds a lot sexier than alligator skin.
Avocado marketing and propaganda continue to this day, thanks to the Hass Avocado Board, established in 2002. The HAB has helped shoot the avocado into every hip Insta feed out there, and while you may view this cynically as another "Big Food" marketing ploy, they support some of the research that's led to avocado's healthy reputation, like "Hass avocado composition and potential health effects." If only Big Sugar were as health-minded as Big Avocado.
Like all sexy things, avocados go wildest on Reddit
That's right, "Sexy, Sexy Avocados" run absolutely rampant at r/AvocadosGoneWild in the land of Reddit (where the shadows lie). Redditors typically post smutty joke headlines, with a bracketed "[a]" or parenthesed "(a)" where instances of the standard letter "a" would normally occur. On this subreddit, though, normalcy is putting phrases like "I go both w[a]ys. Like it cle[a]n or messy?"; "Anybody got a thing for sp[a]ce aliens?"; "ple(a)se ride me to the top"; or "How [a]bout some rolepl[a]y" on the internet, paired with often-striking, admittedly quite sexy photos of avocados.
You can use avocado oil as a pretty good lube substitute
This one is no joke. As we have reported before: "Heavier oils like avocado and sesame will last longer and provide more skin-to-skin comfort" than their grapeseed- and olive-based counterparts.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Go get some.