Health

How I Buckled Down and Got Healthy in a Single Monday

Published On 10/22/2015 Published On 10/22/2015
Cole Saladino/Thrillist

I've never been big on maintaining my fitness. In fact, I hate it -- the self-control, the guilt, all that sweating... loathsome, every bit of it! But after a harrowing recent experience with a pair of suddenly-too-snug sweatpants, I decided enough was enough. It was time to get healthy.

You’ve probably heard that it takes two weeks to turn a new behavior into a comfortable routine, but I’ve got some good news. Namely, I suspect that this is a crock. Establishing a life of physical fitness & mental wellness can be accomplished in a single day, and I'm determined to prove it. Here's a minute-to-minute recount of the Monday I finally chose to buckle down and get healthy.

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

Before work

6am: My alarm goes off. The New Me goes running in the peaceful predawn hours, because that shit gets the endorphins pumping. Productive day, here I come!

6:16am: Once I wake up fully, of course. Can't jog properly if I'm not fully focused! Alarm still sounding. No biggie, I can sleep through it for a few minutes.

6:49am: How the hell have I been laying half-asleep for half an hour? I really need a better alarm clock to get me up and at 'em. Punctuality is the cool uncle of fitness, as they say! Do they say that? Whatever.

7:02am: Alright, I'm wide awake. Ahhh! Katy Perry! I should listen to that song. Wait, do I not have that album?

7:07am: Found it. Alright, game time. PUMP ME UP, KWEEN. Still time for a quick run before I head into the office, right? Here we go. One foot in front of the other.

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

7:14am: WE JOGGIN' NOW, BITCH! I feel amazing. Working out before work is such a smart way to start the day. Really working up a sweat! #gymgoals, AMIRITE?! I wonder how far I've gone. Nine miles? I'm never good at judging distances like that, but it's gotta be around that. My chest hurts a little bit. Kinda weird? Whatever: no pain, no gain, baby!

7:15am: Oh my God, now my legs, too? Does this always happen? I think I should tell someone.

7:21am: Man this hurts. Better walk it off. Probably going too hard, but sometimes that's what it takes. Desperate times, y'know?

8:02am: Feeling like a million bucks after that shower. Damn, The New Me is a hardo. Was gonna crush some egg whites, but considering I went all-out this morning, I think I deserve a breakfast sandwich. Gotta feed the beast, son! I'll grab one on my way to work.

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

Morning at the office

9:14am: Damn that was tasty. Is that weird? Ugh look at Todd. Gross. What a tubby loser who didn't run this morning. I am a fitness god!

9:19am: The client brought donuts? Well, I guess it's basically my job to have one, then. This is a special occasion, anyway -- gotta celebrate The New Me!

9:41am: Maybe one more. Shut up and get another donut with me, Todd. Commemorate my life-changing decision. Hardbodies 2k15!

10:19am: Wow I'm full.

10:39am: Wow I'm hungry. Is it time for lunch? What should I have? No. Dammit. Snacks? No wait -- fuck snacks! The New Me doesn't snack on junk food from the vending machine. Need something wholesome to keep my metabolism burning those el-bees. What about juice? Paige was telling me she loves that stuff. I'll do that this afternoon. Tea! That's better than coffee. I should take the stairs. Does it count going down?

10:48am: This is some herbal shit right here. Is this "fitness" tea? The fuck is "fitness" tea, anyway? Probably should have taken the stairs back up, but who knew it would take so long to get a tea? Tea people are soft. Todd probably loves tea.

11:07am: I should delete Seamless and download some fitness apps, to stay focused. And sign up for some running newsletters! The New Me needs a healthy inbox.

11:19am: Alright, my phone is now the digital equivalent of a CrossFit dungeon. Seems to be running a little slow. That makes two of us, huh buddy?!

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

Lunch

12:26pm: Salad time! I'll take a chicken & kale salad, please. Maybe some bowtie pasta in there, too. Do you have hummus? I'll get some of that, and a little bit of goat cheese. More. No, yeah, a little more. Actually, can I just get double goat cheese? Of course I know it's extra. There's no smarter investment than your own health. Charge it to the game/my credit card.

1:32pm: That salad must have been faulty. I feel like I haven't eaten a damn thing. Are there any, like, zero-calorie sandwiches? Asking for a friend, aka me, aka the hero who's getting his fucking life on track. Gotta stay strong.

2:14pm: That's it. I can't make it any further. It'd be medically dangerous if I didn't go get a Reuben right now. I don't need your fucking judgment, Todd. Tell it to my back as I walk down the stairs... for cardio.

Cole Saladino/Thrillist

Afternoon at work

3:03pm: That Reuben was so necessary. My word. Not a big deal in the long run, especially since Paige is taking me to her SoulCycle class later. Hardbody 2k15 marches onward!

3:17pm: Speaking of Paige, probably almost time for a juice, right? 

3:49pm: Man, juice bars are trendy. I feel like everyone here is better looking than me. Why is that dude wearing leggings? Should The New Me start wearing leggings? God, imagine Todd in leggings. What a fucking lardo. I don't get how they can make juice out of vegetables. Hmm... kale/cucumber/cardamom with a wheatgrass chaser? This tastes wild! Down the hatch, y'all. Daddy's getting serious about getting svelte.

4:04pm: Feel sort of out of it. Is my face flushed? I guess this is what the cashier at the juice bar meant when he said it would really clean me out. Good -- don't need any of that toxic shit!

4:19pm: The New Me has made a horrible mistake. Burps are tasting like melted grass. Vision blurry. Am I shaking?

4:21pm: Juice was a bad choice.

4:32pm: I guess you gotta sort of ease into this cold-pressed life. Shit is for real. I bet Todd couldn't even handle one sip. Ha! What time is SoulCycle? I wonder if Paige would mind if I bail. I already ran like nine miles this morning.

5:01pm: Gonna bail. SoulCycle sorta sounds like a cult anyway. Plus Todd says the sales team is going to happy hour. Open-bar happy hour. Maybe Todd isn't the fucking worst, after all.

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

After work

6:46pm: The thing to remember about drinking when you're trying to get healthy is moderation. So I can't go nuts tonight. I'm just here to drink socially.

7:12pm: SHOTS!

7:23pm: I ordered a few pizzas for the group, but everyone claims to have dinner plans. So now I have four pizzas. I probably shouldn't eat it all, but a slice or two won't hurt. Todd said he'd have some (of course he will, now that I bought it). I got one with spinach and mushrooms, so it's basically a salad anyway. 

7:31pm: MORE SHOTS!

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

7:57pm: It's my solemn duty to report that all the pizza is now gone. Its disappearance is a matter of no public interest, and I will not disclose the ratio of slices eaten between Todd and I.

7:58pm: Just kidding. The ratio is undefined, because I ate all the pizza. Todd left like 40 minutes ago. I've been sitting in this bar with strangers crushing slices. THIS IS MY CHEAT DAY, ALRIGHT?

8:35pm: SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! EVERY-BODY!

9:27pm: I feel like The New Me is pretty similar to The Old Me. I guess I am just me, right? Whoa.

9:28pm: That was not a coherent thought. I should probably go home.

9:41pm: Still kinda hungry though... gonna pick up something light.

9:57pm: Is pad Thai light?

9:58pm: Nope.

10:46pm: The key to fitness is approaching it holistically, you know? Cheat days are just a part of the process. The point is I laid a great framework to really hit this thing hard tomorrow.

COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST

Tuesday morning

6am: My alarm goes off. The New Me goes running in the peaceful predawn hours, because that shit gets the endorphins pumping. Productive day, here I come!

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Dave Infante is a senior writer for Thrillist, and loves you at any size or fitness level. Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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