The only thing left to do was hand over the samples and get paid, so I called up the poop dispatcher (which job was weirder, I wondered, hers or mine?), she met me at the door, I traded five days of poop for my $50 check, and that was that. Thus came to an end my short but illustrious career, and now I can proudly state I was able to go poo in something other than sports.
What's next for me?
For now the $50 is displayed prominently on my desk, but I feel like I should reinvest it in the fecal matter industry. Yet how? My roommate told me about some dudes who starting offering DIY fecal matter transplants in their kitchen, so maybe I should buy a blender. Or I could launch a social-networking site to connect potential donors and recipients together. Call it Fecebook. Another friend suggested I become a doodoo guru, invest in a GoPro, and make the series of videos that launches the mindful pooping craze. I'm sure there are better ideas out there, though, so if you have any thoughts on how I could spin my toilet toil into something meaningful -- or, more importantly, profitable -- I'd be all ears. I really think there's a lucrative career to be found there.