Working out is great if you're good at it. You get to bend your beautiful body in cool ways, and the instructor smiles at you and says, "Gorgeous work, Melinda!" However, if you are not good at working out, it hurts and is bad (even if you have a cool name like Melinda). Here are the reasons I walked out of my workout class before it was over:
• The instructor played bad robot music with lyrics like "love is love" and "you are you." • The instructor kept saying "one more" but then made us do 57 more. • There were two women in the class named Venus. • The instructor said it was "time to annihilate our seats!!!" and I was like no it is not. • I realized I could just like ride my bike up one hill or hold a big box or something instead. • The instructor looked like this girl I knew in middle school named Amber who said I didn't have a top lip, and honestly, I don't really have a top lip but I MAKE IT WORK. • Going to the class was like going to a party I was not invited to, but also I had to pay to be there and all the chairs were invisible. • Everyone in the class was wearing the same pants, and I know those pants cost $100 because my mom got me some for my birthday which is fucked because $100 could get you Spotify Premium and enough rice to eat forever I think. • I was 99% sure everyone in the class was a professional model with two studio apartments (one they shared with their handsome, yet kind husband/personal chef and one that was "just for them"). • Right before class I had just woken up from a stress dream in which I had to do standup comedy in a wheelchair on a cruise ship, and everyone on the ship kept telling me that my ex's new girlfriend "looks very beautiful in the morning" and also when I tried to tell a joke that chubby lil mouse from Cinderella crawled out of my mouth.
• Everyone there looked like Cinderella. • Everyone there had a cute little shelf butt like a cartoon. • The instructor kept yelling, "Do it for you!" which reminded me of the time I was at a co-ed Christian sports camp in Arkansas (long story), and I was trying to climb a mountain, and the counselor kept yelling, "Do it for Jesus!" and I was like, "... my arms aren't strong enough," and she told me to "pray about it." • I kept poison farting and had to keep whipping my ponytail around to help disperse the scent. • I would rather be in the world smelling a tree or reading a poem or kissing a cute boy (when boys are cute I love it) than pay to be in a windowless basement with a bunch of people who want to shrink themselves. • It was really hard and life is very short. • I had just walked out of two movies recently so I knew I was good at walking out of things. • There was no one there named Melinda.
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Catherine Cohen is a writer/actor/voice-over artist living in Brooklyn. She performs on a house sketch team at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and hosts the monthly variety show "It's a Guy Thing" in Williamsburg. She is part of the New American Comedy collective and performs stand-up all around NYC. She graduated from Princeton University with a degree in English and theater. Follow her for Instagram poetry and tweets: @catccohen.