There was a time, in a not-so-distant history, when you could count on teenagers to be rabble-rousing, shit-stirring rebels who made stupid decisions. They hosted red Solo cup parties when their parents were out of town, smoked cancer-causing cigarettes, and dry humped in beat-up cars. If daytime talk shows were to be believed, teens were even experimenting with things like huffing keyboard cleaner and soaking tampons in vodka (they weren't).
Now, though, teenagers are too busy adding to their Snap Stories and catching all the Pokémon to even think about fighting The Man. They're so collectively uncool, they're not having sex with each other, or drinking underage.
They don't even know how to vape properly; instead, kids these days are using e-cigarettes and vape pens to inhale pansy flavors like passionfruit and bubblegum instead of actual tobacco or weed, a new study finds. Only 13-20% of the surveyed teens who said they vaped had actually vaped nicotine, and a measly 7% admitted to vaping marijuana. Another 10% claimed they "didn't know," which is the only kind of response you give when you're too embarrassed to admit your e-cigarette is usually full of Watermelon-Bubblegum Joose instead of weed.
Listen, it's a good thing that fewer teens are smoking cigarettes. It's a deadly and highly addictive habit that's harder to break the younger you start. But how can you be a badass when you're smoking basically the equivalent of Jolly Rancher liquid? What are adults supposed to do when they encounter you in public -- not roll their eyes in disappointment? What is this lame legacy you're leaving behind to future generations of defiant mini-rebels who look up to you?
If fruity vape juice is here to stay, soon enough teens will be throwing LaCroix parties and going off to college with perfect GPAs and driving records. The future of this country is doomed.
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