There was a time, in a not-so-distant history, when you could count on teenagers to be rabble-rousing, shit-stirring rebels who made stupid decisions. They hosted red Solo cup parties when their parents were out of town, smoked cancer-causing cigarettes, and dry humped in beat-up cars. If daytime talk shows were to be believed, teens were even experimenting with things like huffing keyboard cleaner and soaking tampons in vodka (they weren't).
Now, though, teenagers are too busy adding to their Snap Stories and catching all the Pokémon to even think about fighting The Man. They're so collectively uncool, they're not having sex with each other, or drinking underage.
They don't even know how to vape properly; instead, kids these days are using e-cigarettes and vape pens to inhale pansy flavors like passionfruit and bubblegum instead of actual tobacco or weed, a new study finds. Only 13-20% of the surveyed teens who said they vaped had actually vaped nicotine, and a measly 7% admitted to vaping marijuana. Another 10% claimed they "didn't know," which is the only kind of response you give when you're too embarrassed to admit your e-cigarette is usually full of Watermelon-Bubblegum Joose instead of weed.