Most greeting cards are just too corny to express how you actually feel, at least beyond the obvious "not enough of anything to buy you an actual present". For cards that'll stoop to your level: Glen Hibline Illustrations
Ranging from mildly cheeky to overtly cheek-filled, GHI's bits of 5'' x 7'' cleverness are the work of a Baltimorian artist who got the confidence to create his own line after successfully freelancing for Ralph Nader, so presumably he's completely mastered the "better luck next time" ones. Non-denominational greeters come in the form of "Truck Nutz" with a beater-wearing dude holding a b-day cake above a pick-up hitch decorated with the danglers (now actually outlawed in VA), one with two fornicating unicorns and the front's "Somewhere over the rainbow..." completed by "Unicorns are doing it" inside, and a Martini-downing Palin in an American flag bikini with "Sarah Palin 2012! Party like it's the end of the world", which is silly, as it'd just be the end of the Western World. Holiday joints include an Easter design depicting a bunny-ear'd balding guy with an egg basket conveniently placed in front of his business, the Christmas-themed "Hark! Harold Angel!" with a furry fella covered by bells/mistletoe completed by "Have a Hairy Christmas!" inside, and a mustached Martini drinker in drag called "Drink and be Mary!", as apparently not even gin's enough to make him dress up like that one loser hobbit from Lord of the Rings
So your weird sentiment can be preserved for
ever longer, GHI's also converting his cards into magnets, and produces hangable wooden prints of select designs like "Home is where you park your trailer", ironically making them the perfect gift for someone lacking a hall to mark.