Own

Speed up your morning

There's nothing quite like the sinking sensation of waking up surrounded by Zima bottles and realizing that you're late for work. Extremely late. So late, you aren't even going to have time to stop by the store and pick up more Zima. Fortunately, here're a few products to help expedite your morning routine

Morninghead: No time to shower? No worries. Asides from being something you definitely don't have time for, Morninghead showerless caps have a super-absorbent lining that'll soak up enough water to completely wet your hair. Just drop in some H20, slip on the cap, rub it around, and you'll be ready to style in seconds flat, all without loads of water dripping down onto your collar

Suitjamas: Of course, if you're wearing a button-up shirt at all you're a total imbecile, because you could have saved mad time by sleeping in some Suitjamas. Modeled after the pair worn by NPH on How I Met Your Mother (hey, you need something to do while drinking all that Zima), this four-piece (pants/jacket/vest/tie) silk/satin lifesaver features an elastic waist, and can now be ordered in navy

Body Hair Thinner: Don't even have time to knot-up your the tie on your Suitjama? Well your crippling habit of drinking lightly carbonated alcoholic beverages has undoubtedly covered your chest with enough manly hairs to foment unrest amongst your peers. Fortunately, the Mudage Jolie Body Hair Thinner can tame your man mane with just a few swipes of its dangerous comb/razor hybrid body

Office Chair Strength Trainer: The gym??? The GYM!?!? No you don't have time for a workout, but damned if that has to mean wasting precious time between EOD and ZMA. Just strap up the Office Chair Strength Trainer to your seat and straight wail on your pecs all day, and possibly expedite your firing.