Eroticize your phone

Just because using protection is responsible doesn't mean you have to actually enjoy it -- it can be awkward, it's impersonal, and frankly Kevin Costner would probably get rolled in real life anyways. But since your iPhone needs a bodyguard, get one from Phonesex

Intended to humorously sex-up your Apple mobile, these cases are the equivalent of a phone condom, purportedly preventing "98 percent of all accidents" and designed to "fit snugly", so clearly the only magnums will be those in the Dirty Harry flicks you've downloaded. A few of the gloss finished sheaths

Stud-ley: Avail in either white, black, or gray, this model's dominatrix-style spikes "straddle the line between desire and danger", and apparently suggests "repurposing household items", which your thrifty mom would approve of if you didn't use it as an excuse to bang the couch

Hard On: Replicating a prescription case for a well-known little blue pill, this guy offers up a little something to help you get "hard for Apple". Other than mobile p*rn

Guilt: Sporting a blatantly iconographic cross that meets at the Apple logo, this joint's a nod to "the raw devotion with which consumers stand by their brands", which could easily be turned into a fifth sex joke, but there's another one coming, so just think of something funny involving Tammy Wynette yourself

Rounding it all out are the condom ring-looking Impenetrable, and another called the Chastity Belt, which Whitney clearly wasn't wearing in The Bodyguard, considering everyone was humping around.