Dyson and Hoover have nothing on Shop-Vac, the most reliable (and quite possibly sentient?) vacuum cleaner ever put on God’s green earth. Dirt, hair, milk, air, flora, fauna -- nothing is safe when pit against the Shop-Vac.
But what happens when the Shop-Vac is pushed to its limits and, as the kids say, hacked?! The answer might -- as the kids also say -- blow your mind.
1. Groom your cats and dogs
“Oh man, I love having animal hair in my lungs!” said no one ever. Look, there are plenty of ways to get rid of stray hair and allergens from your animals, but few are as fun as running a Shop-Vac over your dog’s back. That look on their face is priceless, if you can get them over that bizarre natural fear of vacuums all dogs seem to have.
2. Use the body of a Shop-Vac as a rolling mop bucket As far as first-world problems go, finding an adequate vessel to cart around perfectly portable water to clean your floors with is high up there. Once you've got your mop, you can turn a Shop-Vac body into a makeshift bucket by removing the top and filter.
3. Dry wet car seats
If you've been known to casually drive your car into a lake once or twice, quick-drying the seats of your car is an art you should master. Since the Shop-Vac’s specialty is getting rid of wet and dry crap, you can use its powerful sucking abilities to dry your seats. Look at that, not even one fellatio joke!
4. Seal freezer bags Do you like eating food? Do you think you’ll like eating food tomorrow as much as you like eating food right now? Put it in a freezer bag! In fact, you don’t have to stop at freezer bags to witness the full potential of a Shop-Vac. For easy storage, or to save some space in your suitcase, throw some clothes in a vacuum bag and, um, well... vacuum it.
5. Annihilate hornets, wasps, and bugs
Instead of spending money on bug-murdering sprays and swabs, simply point the business end of your vacuum at a cluster of bugs and suck away. Pro-tip: leave the nests to the professionals.
6. Convert your Shop-Vac into a leaf blower The beauty of the Shop-Vac is that there isn’t much converting to do when turning it into a leaf blower. Simply flip the switch from suck to blow and blow leaves to your heart’s content.
7. Make a ponytail
Get this dad a trophy for ingenuity and then give his daughter a bigger trophy for putting up with it. You know you're a real stand-up parent when you've got a vacuum cleaner doing all your basic child-rearing duties for you.
8. Dry your hair This is on par with sticking your head under the ridiculously strong hand dryers in restaurant bathrooms, which I bet would be a pretty exceptional experience. Just don’t do it in front of your friends, because you really need to get your shit together if you’re using a Shop-Vac for personal grooming.
9. Make a white noise machine
This is really quite the ingenious idea for those who can’t fall asleep to dead silence. Turn on a Shop-Vac, place the nozzle somewhere unobtrusive to ensure safety, and float away to dreamland to the sweet, sweet sucking sounds of the vacuum.
10. Use your Shop-Vac as a lint roller Where do you even find a lint roller in this day and age? The Shop-Vac lint roller option is way more practical and environmentally friendly, probably.
Jeremy Glass is a writer for Supercompressor and his apartment is so clean, you could eat off the floor.
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