The 24K Gold-Embossed Toilet Paper Your Ass Deserves

When you feel like treating yourself, what's your indulgence of choice? A boatload of cake? A bottle of expensive Scotch? A long weekend out of town? Well, think again buddy, because now there's 24 karat gold-embossed TP.

From the "exclusive" purveyor of precious metal bathroom tissue, each roll is dermatologically tested, comes wrapped in a special organza pouch, and is guaranteed to elevate your potty to baller status. And while you can request custom 24-karat designs (which, at $250 a pop you better be allowed to), they also produce a trio of ready-made rolls featuring a rose, an antelope, or — for a gift to yourself on that special day — "Happy Birthday".

Joe McGauley is a senior editor at Supercompressor. He prefers the metalless TP.