Every year, from Thanksgiving to Christmas, families around the country gather in front of the glowing warmth of their LCD screens, watching TBS with glee as a plucky eight-year-old mercilessly tortures two grown men with a reckless abandon that would make Vlad the Impaler blush. It's a couple of hours of unbridled fun, always. But seldom does any one stop to consider the actual, real-life fractures, lesions, burns and head injuries that the Wet Bandits (above, center, left) in Home Alone would have actually sustained from little Kevin’s night of wanton tomfoolery.
But we did, so I asked New York City Internist and MD, Dr. Diego Ponieman, to help us diagnose and analyze 16 separate instances from Harry and Marv’s Christmas Eve of pain.
The results? More harrowing than Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.
[Editor's Note: While our helpful MD is more than qualified, 100 percent accuracy in a diagnosis, strictly by sight, without proper, physical examination is virtually impossible. The potential injuries have been rounded and tallied by us, based on the Doc's insight and simplified prognosis. Plus, it’s just a movie.]