You can get away with living the grimy college life for a few years after graduation, but once the big 3-0 rolls around it's time to get serious about ditching that duct tape-patched Papasan and beer bong. If you're confused about what exactly needs to be retired, no worries! We assembled the definitive list of items you're not allowed to have in your apartment after your 30th birthday.
1. High school trophies on display
There's nothing noble about flaunting the fact that you peaked in high school.
2. Pro DJ equipment that you used three times four years ago
That one weird basement party you got paid to play somehow didn't jumpstart your DJ career. It's time to accept that some dreams die.
3. Sports-themed bed sheets
When your bedroom could conceivably be confused with a 10-year-old's, you're playing a dangerous game.
4. Adult DVDs
So there's this thing called the Internet. It's pretty neat, you should check it out!
5. Beer art
Unless you literally live inside a bar, it's time to flip the switch on that neon Busch promotional sign. Same goes for any poster, glass mirror, or plaque.
6. A mattress on the floor
There's a fine line between a bohemian sensibility and living in squalor.
7. People casually passed out on your couch
You don't have to go home, but you can't crash here again Nick.
8. Empty liquor bottles on display
Those empty Jack Daniels bottles may have been badges of honor back before you could legally rent a car, but now it just looks like you forgot to take out the trash.
9. Sports Illustrated calendars
If your live-in girlfriend is cool with this hanging in the kitchen, you probably don't have a live-in girlfriend.
10. Pizza Rolls and/or cheap frozen pizzas
If your taste buds haven't evolved since elementary school, something needs to change. And let's be real: your burgeoning DadBod deserves better.
11. A Taco Bell hot sauce collection
There's no shame in the occasional Gordita Combo Meal, but swiping scores of hot sauce packets to use later at home is lazy and a little sad. Why not try making your own?
12. The Boondock Saints: All Saints Day
The DVD, the DVD cover, the VHS, the script, a printed-out picture of someone holding the DVD... none of these things should be in your home.
13. Makeshift curtains
Unless you want your neighbors to think you're running a meth lab, tear down those sheisty towels over the windows. A simple set of curtains and rods will set you back no more than $10 at a dollar store.
14. Sports shrines
If any room in your home is dedicated to "your team," it's time to look deep inside yourself and find what's really missing in your life.
15. Anything you've ever ordered from TV
How many chops does a Slap Chop chop if a Slap Chop sits unused in your cabinet?
17. Multicolored Christmas Lights as decor
Your apartment is not a Christmas tree nor a tiki bar. Let that dream die.
18. Paper plates and cups as primary dishware
These are reserved for BBQs and five-year-olds.
19. Caricatures as art
Here's a good rule of thumb: don't display anything you purchased on the Jersey Shore boardwalk while in a blissful Bud Light Lime haze.
20. CD towers
Stop kidding yourself. Those Something Corporate and O.A.R. albums aren't impressing anyone, not even the members of Something Corporate and O.A.R.
21. A pile of dirty clothes in the corner
How do you not have a hamper? You're 30 years old.
22. Bongs that double as decor
Oh, you think that stained one-footer passes for a classy vase? I can assure you, it doesn't. You're just embarrassing yourself at this point.
23. A Nordic track
When people come over, it shouldn't look like you're hosting a yard sale from 1996 in the living room.
24. Milk crate furniture
There are exactly two types of people who can get away with keeping milk crates around: milk men, and...wait, no that's it. Just one type of person.
25. Bean bag chairs
Yeah, they're hella comfortable, but are you really ok with people mistaking your furniture for a dog bed?
26. A gaming console command station
Growing older doesn't mean abandoning your interest in video games, but it does mean ditching the "Breakroom at GameStop" vibes.
27. Shot glasses
Spoiler: you don't need an oversized thimble that says "Keep Calm And Get Wasted!" to shoot your liquor. A regular-sized rocks glass works just fine.
28. Unframed posters that were previously in your dorm
Are you still prominently featuring the Pink Floyd girls, meta Bob Marley mosaic, or those "Kiss Girls"? What the hell is the matter with you?
29. Novelty lamps
Lava lamps, black lights, lamps that look like other things which are not lamps.
The futon is a prime example of a piece of furniture that has yet to come to terms with a crippling identity crisis. The same could be said for its owner.
31. Easily replaced broken items
There are zero reasons to keep that that sh*tty old busted mug in the cupboard. Zero. Same goes for any and all pieces of furniture held together with duct tape, or worse, electric tape. Have a little self-respect.
Joe McGauley is a senior editor at Supercompressor. He wrote this from the bean bag in his Red Sox-themed living room.