Over the years Bond villains have proven to be pretty inept at their jobs, leaving 007 an undefeated 23-0 record. But there's still one area in which the bad guys reign supreme: lairs that make even the most garish MTV Cribs episodes look reasonable.
In the 23 official movies, there've been some phenomenal hideouts, from space stations to abandoned islands and discreet desert digs. Not every Bond movie has had a lair leaving us in envy, but we've rounded up and ranked them from best to worst, or less good. They're all pretty sweet.
16. Moonraker — Moonraker
Obviously this is an awesome lair, but no one could ever come visit you. And it would be a huge pain to escape if something happened—you can't exactly swim to shore. That said, you could stop the space station's spinning and get your zero gravity on.
15. Atlantis — The Spy Who Loved Me
If you're 12, this is a lair with a kickass submarine and an aquarium. If you're 30, this is a lair that no one will ever get to visit because it looks like a giant goddamn water spider.
14. Ice Hotel — Die Another Day
This would be on the opposite end of this list if not for its one Achilles' heel—so delicate! A small temperature change and this thing is history. Fun while it lasted, though.
13. Zorin Blimp — A View to a Kill
Having an office with a good view is always a good call, but Max Zorin took things a little far—advertising the lair on the blimp seems a little foolish and non-discreet, which ruins the whole point kinda.
12. Kentucky Stud Farm — Goldfinger
It's probably one of the more attainable lairs on this list. Someday, you too can have a stud farm in Kentucky if you work hard enough!
11. Alec Trevelyan Armored Train — GoldenEye
Half-train and half-stealth fighter plane, this HQ on rails was pretty killer, and had a great self-destruct option. It also successfully survived a tank blast, so.
10. Sanchez Lair — License to Kill
Filled with cocaine, gasoline, guns, and a person shredder, this Latin American lair has the most Scarface-vibes of any on this list.
9. Mr. Big HQ — Live and Let Die
The lair that launched a thousand parodies. Why use a bullet when an elaborately staged shark tank and lowering system is available?
8. Thai Island — The Man With The Golden Gun
Remote, beautiful, and probably littered with the corpses of Francisco Scaramanga's dueling partners, the island's only downside is the need for a full round of mosquito-borne disease vaccinations.
7. Crab Key — Dr. No
This Bahamian paradise showed the enormous pressure of being Mr. Bond. But the interior decor doesn't feel quite island-y enough. Might we suggest a redesign for the good doctor? It looks like it's in Norway, not Nassau.
6. Dominic Green Desert Lair — Quantum of Solace
Interesting architecture (especially for the desert) and a low carbon footprint. It doesn't even have a lawn to waste water on, let alone a shark pool. Bond villans, going green since 2008.
Call it a fixer-upper.
4. Largo Lair — Thunderball
Sharks. Bahamas. Skeet shooting. This is about as good as it gets.
3. The Hollowed-Out Volcano — You Only Live Twice
It's in a volcano and has rockets. What else do you want? I guess some cute French doors would really open things up.
2. St. Cyril's Monastery — For Your Eyes Only
Perched at the top of a rock formation, this actual Greek Orthodox monastery gets its supplies winched up. It's high enough so that the ATAC decoder James Bond threw off it was smashed and kept out of the KGB's filthy hands. The helicopter commute to and from would be sweet.
1. The Mountain Top — On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Heartbreakingly beautiful, easy escape routes, and phenomenal skiing plus 1969 attire. It's also in Switzerland, so the hot chocolate is probably as good as the view, if not better.