Brooklyn's Biggest Beach House Is $30M And Hideous

Brooklyn may be the epicenter of twee New York City hipsterdom these days, but it's important not to forget it has plenty more to offer, like this: an over-the-top, 26,000-square foot waterfront mansion, on the market now for $30 million.

This place is nuts. And make no mistake: it's also ugly as sin. 

The home sits in the gated community of Mill Basin and it's the largest waterfront property in all of Brooklyn. It may not look like much compared to the palatial spreads in Miami or Malibu, but hey, this is New Yahk. 

The three-story main home, which boasts 10 bedrooms and a whopping 15 bathrooms, was designed by NYC architect Noel Jeffrey, and is vaguely reminiscent of the sort of sprawling McMansion you would expect MTV to use for a reality show about an aspiring boy band.

The shimmery and lit up open atrium of the main home could easily double as the set for a big-budget biopic of an '80s-era cocaine kingpin, no?

There's no shortage of wall space and awkwardly tall corners to show off your art collection.

All in all, there are an astounding 26 rooms in the place, five of which are reserved for "staff." But there's plenty of space, so you shouldn't have any trouble finding a place to kick back and relax without distractions from anyone else.

Also, there are four kitchens. Four! 

Seriously, there are at least three different living rooms.

Plus a glass-domed meditation room, complete with a whole bunch of sketched constellations overhead, and a huge fireplace surrounded by a panel of incredibly precious Lalique glass.

Though if you do run out of places to chill, you could always escape to the guest house, which itself is a stunning mid-century modern gem. It's so big, it even has its own elevator. (Don't worry, there's one in the main house, too.)

Since the property is located on a corner, nearly every room gets a special view of the bay.

Even the view from the toilet is remarkable. And let's not overlook that bidet.

While you'd only be able to take full advantage of it for half the year, outside is where the place really shines. Apart from the 257 feet of waterfront, there's a 1,000 square foot pool.

Not to mention the pavilion, which is designed to accommodate 40 people. Get ready to throw every party. Every weekend. 

You a boat guy? Not to worry, there's a marina for three of them. 

Car collector? You'll have plenty of space to keep them safe in the seven-car garage. And hell, with so much roof space, it's not unreasonable to consider putting in a heliport. 

Joe McGauley is a senior editor at Supercompressor. He has a zero-car garage.