When you light a fire in this 26-inch masterpiece, the text is illuminated, stoking both flames and your power-hungry demons. And since it's coated in high temperature-resistant black paint, you can be sure it'll stand up to whatever theme-party debauchery you can throw at it.
Ali Drucker is the editorial assistant for Supercompressor. She's fairly certain if you own one of these, you call your roommate "mom." Follow her on Twitter at @ali_drucker.