The 20 Most Unnecessary Skymall Products
As awful as air travel's become over the years, there's one comfort we can always rely on: the totally absurd products peddled by the gadget smut mag of record, SkyMall. As a treat, we thumbed the pages — so you don't have to — to find the best of the worst.
20.It Is What It Is Bracelet - $19.95
Aren’t little charm bracelets or whatever this is supposed to be inspiring? Or at least not defeatist? Why would you keep a memento on your wrist at all times suggesting things kind of suck for you?
19.NFL Forest Face - $22.99
They make these things for every team in the NFL, and they are all terrible. Also, anyone else getting Bill Cosby from Ghost Dad vibes with this thing?
18.Wake Up On Time Supplement - $29.99-59.98
Two of these pills allegedly metabolise overnight so you wake super alert and ready to go. Sounds sort of methy, no? Either way, an alarm clock works well, too.
17.Reflective Gaze Hand Mirror Wall Sculpture - $99.95
Nothing says “I love you” like buying her a vanity of those hand mirrors most associated with evil fairy tale witches. Also, it’s crazy ugly.
16.S.O.B. Sweet Old Bob Shirts - $19.95-29.95
But what if Bob really IS a total S.O.B.?
15.Baby Bottle Kountry Krystal - $14.95
As much as you love your little redneck baby, their bottles are not made of glass for a reason.
14.Justin Bieber Floss - $3.99
Frankly, it’s good to know that this knucklehead endorses some positive behavior, you know, when he’s not peeing in restaurant kitchens, assaulting people, or generally being a d*ckbag. But please, don’t buy this. It’s mega-dumb.
13.Talking Smurf Toothbrushes - $5.99
Again, oral hygiene is great. For real. And so are the Smurfs. But do they have to
squawk talk? Can’t they just, like, sit there while you do your business? That would be cool.
12.One of a Kind Shirt - $129.99-$199.99
No two pattern combos are ever repeated in these, so wearing one proves you’re “a little different than everyone else," which is true, but don’t be so hard on yourself, blind dude.
11.Desk Mini Vacuum Cleaner - $9..95
Sure desk snacking is unavoidable, but if you're spilling so many Cheez-Its on a regular basis that it requires a vacuum to tidy up, it may be time to reassess your choices.
10.Gentleman’s Choice Green Sphere Chrome-Plated Walking Stick - $39.95
Call it what you want but this is a straight-up pimp cane. And strangely, SkyMall sells a ton of them, in all shapes and sizes. Who knew there was a such a significant demographic of pimps flying the friendly skies?
9.Amazing Breath Starter Kit - $39.99
Mouthwash is a cool thing. And it costs about $36 less than this. Buy that.
8.Guitar Doorbell - $149.99
So this setup will apparently strum your guitar’s strings whenever the door is opened. Which is a nice touch, until the day it shimmies out of place and knocks you unconscious.
7.Toppik Hairline Optimizer - $5.95
There really is no way to convincingly paint a thick bushy hairline on your scalp. But more power to you, dude.
6.Torso Toner - $60
All the superficial benefits of getting into shape without actually ever hitting the gym. Also, organ damage.
5.Urban Vogue Pet Stroller - $126.50
If you never have kids that's totally cool, but if the mere thought of toting your chihuahua around in a pet-specific stroller doesn't consume you with shame, seek professional help.
4.Personalized Sand Names Print - $39.99-69.99
Are you serious right now? Please, just go to the beach and do this yourself. This is straight-up for prisoners and their penpal girlfriends.
3.Hanging Chimp Monkey Statue - $149
“This realistic monkey statue will prompt your guests to do a doubletake," if your guests have literally no idea what monkeys are supposed to look like.
2.Adora Baby Doll Mr. Roboto - $99.99
Pretty sure this is the sort of thing they find when searching the homes of serial killers. Unless he actually dances to Mr. Roboto in which case, awesome.
1.Face Trainer - $149
Whether or not the claim that wearing this for ten minutes a day will give you a 71% reduction in sagging turns out to be true, rest assured 100% of the time you’re wearing it you’ll hate yourself.
Joe McGauley is a senior editor at Supercompressor. He finds comfort in a ritualistic pre-takeoff pass through the best in-flight gadget mag in the biz.