These Boilermakers Will Change Your Life Forever

Ah, the misunderstood boilermaker, so often associated with either WWII vets telling haunting stories of the bombs over Ardennes, or college students telling haunting stories of the Bombs over Irish Cars. Because drinking two things at once is for everyone, we asked the Gibson's Derek Brown to cook us up boilermaker pairings fit for the mature man under 90.

The Big Easy: Abita Turbodog and Sazerac 6 Year Old Rye Whiskey

The subtle wood sweetness in the Sazerac compliments the chocolatey, dark brown Turbodog. With both hailing from Louisiana, the pairing follows the "if it grows together, it goes together" rule, though it could result in you breeding some extremely slow dogs.

Hop & Malt:Lagunitas IPA and Bols Genever

The powerfully hoppy IPA compliments the malty sweet Genever, the original Dutch style gin that was sold as medicine back in the 16th century, presumably with the slogan "The Fix is Gin".

Instant Manhattan:Kasteel Rouge and Makers Mark Bourbon

The Kasteel's cherry character's a bit heavy and sweet, and mixes excellently with the more viscous bourbon. Brown suggests Maker's because it's a "wheated bourbon", which gives it a "softer", "rounder", more Sean Astin-y like feel.

Brazilianaire:Dogfish Head Palo Santo Marron and Oronoco Brazilian Rum

The Palo Santo Marron and the all-sugarcane Oronoco pleasantly accentuate each other's hints of baking spices due to both having been aged in Brazilian oak barrels -- actually less spicy than French or American barrels, leading the Brazilians to compensate by walking around with their bungs hanging out.

Soft & Citrusy:Hitachino White Nest Ale and Dewars 12 Year Old Blended Scotch

The Japanese craft beer's spice, citrus, and Allagash-y orange-peelness is reinforced by the orange-hinted Dewars 12. The savory quality of this blend also invokes "umami", the 5th taste-sense conceived by the Japanese, though it fails to stimulate the zany, Colombian 6th sense, "Leguizami".

Night Ender of a Long Bender:Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout and Partida Elegante Anejo Tequila

The 1-3 year aged Anejo quickly takes on its barrel's qualities in the Mexican heat, smoothing out the spirit's vegetal undertones to pair nicely with this super-chocolatey, rich, and intense Stout, thereby creating the mellowest Mexican/Russian team since Cheech & Chekhov.

Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch:Harviestoun Old Dubh Ale (18 Year Old) and Highland Park 18 Year Old Scotch

Few beers could stand up to the esteemed Scotch's "funkiness" as brazenly as the equally aged, soy sauce/chocolatey Harviestoun -- perhaps the only time in history the marriage of two 18-year-olds has produced anything that didn't end up robbing a liquor store.

Bonus Cheapo from Thrillist:Tuaca and Budweiser

The Bud's yeoman profile counters some of the Tuaca's inherent sweetness, allowing the citrus and vanilla notes to come through -- counter the cream soda taste by reminding yourself that you're the kind of high-efficiency worldbeater that drinks two drinks at once.