Why Georgia Is Infinitely Better Than Florida
Because there's nothing quite like a good old-fashioned fight, it's Rivalry Week. Keep tabs on simmering feuds across the country right here.
A lot of folks, or at least a lot of folks in Florida, might try telling you that Florida is one of the South’s greatest states. They’re wrong on two counts. First, Florida isn’t even in “the South.” Second, there’s no way Florida’s better than a real Southern state like Georgia, and not just for obvious reasons like our unbeatable BBQ and actual culture, but for these 13 less-obvious reasons too...
A ripe peach beats a ripe orange every day
Georgia had this locked before we even had to bring up deez peanuts.
Even people who are native to Florida pronounce it as “Flaw-rida”
That’s because it’s a flawed state. AKA, it sucks.
Georgia doesn’t produce boy bands
Or Scott Storches. Or Fred Dursts. Or Brooke Hogans. We could go on forever but then it’d get really ugly. Uglier than Brooke Hogan (songs).
Eating an alligator in Florida should be as crazy as eating a bulldog or yellow jacket in Georgia
But it’s not, because Florida eats its pets.
Our hottest city is growing; Florida’s hottest city is sinking
Miami will be underwater in a few years, say climate experts. Hopefully it’ll be fast enough to drown everybody there that ever encouraged DJ Khaled to make songs.
You can’t drive three blocks in Florida without paying a damn toll
Florida has more miles of toll roads than every other state. Seven hundred-something, to be exact. All Georgia has now that State Route 400 is paid off (look at that... government honesty!) are express lanes, which you don’t really have to take.
Miami has the only NBA fans in America worse than ATL's
We may have trouble packing in more Hawks fans at Philips than away-team fans, but at least those of us who attend games have never pulled a 2013 Finals Game 6-style exodus.
The best college in Georgia is probably Emory. The best college in Florida is apparently UF.
The jokes tell themselves.
Georgia’s soulful, bluesy state song is “Georgia on My Mind”
Florida’s official state song, “Old Folks at Home,” is, according to Wikipedia, a minstrel song. No, really.
Florida is shaped like an uncircumcised penis
Georgia, on the other hand, is shaped like a piece of delicious cornbread cake, lovingly sliced, even if unevenly so, by your always-tipsy uncle from Macon. Oh, and for as much leisure as Florida claims to offer, there sure ain’t much hang time.
Florida is ridden with crime. Georgia? Not so much.
According to the FBI, there were 37.5k violent crimes in Georgia in 2012. Florida, despite having about twice the population, had almost three times the number of crimes in the same year.
The roaches in Florida are huge... and possibly immortal
Oh, Georgia has them too. But not like Florida. Florida has roaches that look like they were in Mad Max: Fury Road. You can find roaches with the same design on their backs as the tattoo on Mike Tyson’s face, and they don’t even stop when they’re crushed to death.
An entire city in Florida is ruled by an imaginary mouse
Sure, an entire city in Georgia is ruled by sparkling brown sugar water, but at least it’s real.
Sign up here for our daily Atlanta email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun the ATL has to offer.
Mike Jordan was Thrillist Atlanta’s founding editor, and the only Florida he ever loved was already married to James Evans. Send your own reasons why Georgia owns Florida to him at @michaelbjordan.