Lifestyle

The Weirdest Austin Roommate Ads on Craigslist

Published On 02/25/2016 Published On 02/25/2016
Hippie making peace sign
CREATISTA/Shutterstock

Living with people -- you’ve done that before. And, yeah, most roommate situations have been pretty standard: parents and siblings, that bro in college who ate all your Hot Pockets or the neat freak with the passive-aggressive Post-Its. Annoying? Yes. Will murder you in your sleep? Probably not.
 
But as you get older and your friends start, you know, actually being grown-ups, your roommate options become more limited and you’re forced to turn somewhere else -- the Internet -- to find someone tolerable with whom to cohabitate. To save you the time and energy (and inevitable emotional damage), we trawled the life-sucking pages of Craigslist to identify the strangest, most unsettling roommate ads available just to see how murky the housing pool gets.

Screenshot via Craigslist

Nude dude seeks comfort, no kids

“This is perfect for someone not seeking full time roommate.”
 
Just, you know, a full-frontal roommate.
 
On the plus side, unlike recreational nudists, this guy is actually making a living letting it all hang out, so if he coughs... or, uh, turns and coughs... up the cash on time, who cares if he was storing the bills under his balls.
 
$100 a night should cover any necessary sanitization.

Screenshot via Craigslist

You won’t get paid, but you might get laid?

This guy isn’t going to pay you, but he does promise to help you pick up chicks, which, we can probably all agree, is a skill that’s pretty much priceless. Once you get past the fact that the word “wingman” is only used by bros who wear seriously questionable denim and won’t stop trying to buy 19-year-old girls drinks that end in “bomb” -- and the fact that, again, he’s not going to pay you -- he seems like a real winner who just wants to spread the love and help his homeboy (that could be you!) out.
 
Just keep in mind that if he’s posting ads like this on Craigslist, whatever girl he tries to hook you up with likely came from there, too.
 
At least drinking is always involved?

Screenshot via Craigslist

Reefer for roof

While typical landlords would never accept pot as partial rent, the world is your payment-option oyster on Craigslist. This guy gets bonus points not only for offering to smoke you out as a complementary form of compensation, but for requesting an essay to determine who gets the privilege to puff-puff-pass on the first of the month. We’re not even mad, we’re just impressed.

Screenshot via Craigslist

This girl has a legit lemur

Okay, this seems pretty cool at first. You picture yourself at the bar, surrounded by babes, as closing time approaches: “Yo, my roommate has this lemur... Wanna go check it out?” And hey, they’ve seen Madagascar -- this shit practically sells itself. Plus, puppies get people laid all the time, so imagine the possibilities when you’re in possession of a legitimate MONKEY.
 
But thennnn come the questions: Is there a lemur litter box? Do I have to install a lemur door? What does a lemur even eat? Do I have to buy MORE lemurs so he doesn’t get lonely? Uh, what exactly IS a lemur?!
 
Oh, and sidenote -- surprise -- these things are freaking NOCTURNAL. And even if the little rodent had a badass prehensile tail (which, ahem, he does not), that doesn’t make up for the resounding sound of lemur howls echoing down your halls at all hours of the night.
 
In fact, these things are basically glorified raccoons. And in all actuality, probably a total cockblock. Pass.

Screenshot via Craigslist

No clothes, no pets, no penis

It’s hard to say whether it’s more difficult finding a room as a nudist or attempting to recruit a nudist roommate. Either way, having a perpetually naked female around might be the most unoriginal dream ever, so you’ve got to appreciate this couple’s, um, naked ambition.  

Screenshot via Craigslist

Must understand acronyms

Spend enough time on Craigslist, and you think you’ve got the lingo on lock. W4M, M4W, DWF, BDSM... there’s even a page on Craigslist about acronyms on Craigslist.  But ATC? Uh, even after consulting Urban Dictionary -- THE authoritative source on all things creepy and disgusting -- all that comes up is air traffic controller, which doesn’t exactly scream freaky Internet fetish.
 
And as the post progresses, the plot thickens. Who are these “good people”? What kind of thing are they trying to make that’s “kinda special, kinda unique”? Why is the word “past” in quotation marks? Tim qualifies as an ex-what exactly?
 
So many questions, one acronym: IDK

Screenshot via Craigslist

Must love renaissance festivals

The headline “Free Rent for Down and Out Gay Guy” seems pretty standard until you realize someone is requesting to cohabitate exclusively with someone who fits that criteria. And is under 25. And has some handyman abilities (wink?).
 
This offer is either really generous and really specific or really weird and, yeah, really specific. But hey, if you fit the part, want free rent and are interested in telltale keywords like “mariachi,” “ocean cruise” and “fine steaks,” who are we to judge?
 
Oh, and don’t forget “Renaissance festivals.” That’s pretty key.

Bro's got a palace

Most people can’t find an affordable one bedroom in close proximity to Rainey Street, yet somehow this guy’s offering you the opportunity to live it up Versailles-style in 1/25th of a goddamn palace, which seems... um... kind of impossible.
 
Unless palace is code for condo complex. That we could probably believe.
 
(Update: unfortunately, the post has been removed. Consider your castle dreams totally crushed. )

Screenshot via Craigslist

Save the drama

Two teenagers live here, but don’t go bringing your drama into this house oKaYyYy?!
 
Hell, compared to kids that age, living with the Kardashians would be a freaking cakewalk.

Screenshot via Craigslist

This is a total sponge bath situation

Needing assistance after spinal surgery is completely understandable, and we’d all probably prefer to picture ourselves as the kind of upright (sorry) citizens who would gladly see this ad, move in and, like, grab things from the top shelf... or help change a fitted sheet every couple months. But even the most martyr-esque among us are likely to lose interest at the prospect of helping a stranger bathe.
 
Though, to be fair, this is “not some fat nasty dude so you don’t have to worry.”
 
Phew, close one.

Screenshot via Craigslist

Practiced in primitive skills

Are the majority of the skills in this self-proclaimed gypsy’s portfolio in any way marketable or applicable to life in Austin in  2016? Nope. (Well, um, maybe wild edibles.) But hey, you better believe that if some apocalyptic shit goes down, your boy James is going to be the only one in the vicinity with working knowledge of bow-drill fire starting, deer hide preserving and animal husbandry. Plus, those shelter construction skills? MONEEEEY.

Screenshot via Craigslist

There's a home for this poet I know it

It’s not surprising, per se, that a freelance poet would have bad credit, but dude, if this post is actually a poem... which it seems like it might be, maybe... at least have some respect and hook us up with a haiku.
 
Also, there’s like a 70% chance this bro has bongos.

Screenshot via Craigslist

A Molly/Lucy lightshow!~!~!~!

There are multiple Craigslist ads posted for what appears to be the same place, and after a little reading, you’ll probably realize there are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to live here -- who probably idolize Dan Bilzerian, wear silver balls around their neck, legitimately prefer fake boobs, and have at least one barbed wire tattoo -- anddddd the kind who would rather move back in with their parents and never, ever have sex again.
 
But what, exactly, the deciding factor that separates people into one camp or another? Is it the Nickelback lyrics that may or may not be ironic? The use of the phrase “vageterians welcome”? The casual mention of HOT YOUNG WOMEN and a MOLLY/LUCY LIGHTSHOW in ALL CAPS SO YOU KNOW HE MEANS IT?!
 
Maybe it’s the picture of the naked dude jerking it in the hot tub. (Not pictured. You’re welcome.)
 
One man’s lake trash is another man’s lake treasure?

Screenshot via Craigslist

We're not going to call it "daddy issues," but...

Call it a Craigslist... and life... double standard if you will, but this post is considerably less creepy than its inverse would be -- and not just because it’s impossible for a “40yrs old +” man to use a happy face appropriately.
 
Also, can you imagine for a moment how many responses she’s gotten? Craigslist was literally designed for people who would respond to an ad like this. Hell, Craig probably made the site for exactly this purpose. In all actuality, Craig himself probably shot her a message. EMAIL SERVERS ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR OFFERS LIKE THIS, Y’ALL.
 
Muah! :)

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Sam Sumpter is a SWF who lives in Austin and is convinced she's a better roommate than at least 1/8th of the people on Craigslist. For Seinfeld references and Spotify recs, follow her @its_Sam_babaaay.

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