32 Signs You’re an Austin Douchebag
Austin is progressive. It’s health conscious. It’s a haven for musicians. And that, sadly, also makes it a petri dish for douchebags. Because there’s a very fine line between kooky and douchey, see if you trip any of this town’s red flags...
1. You are CEO...
... of a company which consists of two people.
2. You frequent rooftop bars in the Warehouse District
3. You get bottle service at Rio Rooftop
Or like, anywhere.
4. You refer to Austin as “the ATX”
5. When someone asks what you do, you say, “promoter”
Then hand them a glossy flyer.
6. You are involved with multi-level marketing
7. You’re Lance Armstrong
8. You’re reeeeally into disc golf
9. You think it’s cute to address your server by their first name
10. You sit in the VIP section at any bar on Sixth St
11. You drive like you hate cyclists
12. You’re a transplant who’s sick of “all the new people moving here”
13. Your Instagram posts are basically all hashtags
#mylife #sungoddess #bluedrink #watchmewhipwatchmenaenae #yourejustjealous #adventure #atxisforlovers #natural #bythepool #straightouttaaustin #uhoh #petite #ombrehair #bikini #bubbles #sundaysarethebest #loveyourlife #sexylips #hair #nails #face #booty #bootylicious #beauty #bluetanktop #blue #tanktop #tank #top
14. You claim to be gluten intolerant
Except when you’re drunk, then your body magically develops the ability to process P. Terry's.
16. You’re getting certified to teach yoga
By another yoga teacher, thus continuing the eternal cycle.
17. You vape in restaurants
18. Your idea of a good time is going to the Ranch
AKA “comfortably dressed ex-frat and ex-sorority people binge drinking.”
19. You never go East of Rainey St
Except for that one time you went to Whisler’s.
20. You’re in real estate and wear square-toe dress shoes
21. You refer to East Sixth as the “hipster side”
22. You leave trash up in Mt Bonnell
23. You don’t like breakfast tacos
Who ARE you?!
24. You think Guero’s is authentic Mexican cuisine
26. You were sad when Logan’s on Sixth closed
27. You think the $15 cover at Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar is toootally worth it
Nobody should like “American Pie” that much.
28. You have tried to pick a fight at 2:15am on Dirty Sixth
The only winner is YouTube.
29. You’re a crappy tipper
Just grab a Hot-N-Ready and stay home, seriously.
30. You frequent Kung Fu Saloon
31. You wear driving shoes
If you don’t know what driving shoes are, you are 100% off the hook.
32. You don’t have a sense of humor about lists like this
Come on, this was written by a person wearing pajamas Googling: “what is the current slang for drinking Champagne in the club.”
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Anastacia Uriegas is an Austin writer who has been guilty of at least a dozen of these. Follow her on Twitter at @AnaUire.