Lifestyle

32 Signs You’re an Austin Douchebag

Published On 09/29/2015 Published On 09/29/2015

Austin is progressive. It’s health conscious. It’s a haven for musicians. And that, sadly, also makes it a petri dish for douchebags. Because there’s a very fine line between kooky and douchey, see if you trip any of this town’s red flags... 
 

1. You are CEO...

... of a company which consists of two people.
 

2. You frequent rooftop bars in the Warehouse District

RIO

3. You get bottle service at Rio Rooftop

Or like, anywhere.
 

4. You refer to Austin as “the ATX”

 

5. When someone asks what you do, you say, “promoter” 

Then hand them a glossy flyer.
 

6. You are involved with multi-level marketing

 

7. You’re Lance Armstrong

Flickr/USAG- Humphreys

8. You’re reeeeally into disc golf

AKA “FRISBEE.”
 

9. You think it’s cute to address your server by their first name

 

10. You sit in the VIP section at any bar on Sixth St

 

11. You drive like you hate cyclists

 

12. You’re a transplant who’s sick of “all the new people moving here”

 

13. Your Instagram posts are basically all hashtags

#mylife #sungoddess #bluedrink #watchmewhipwatchmenaenae #yourejustjealous #adventure #atxisforlovers #natural #bythepool #straightouttaaustin #uhoh #petite #ombrehair #bikini #bubbles #sundaysarethebest #loveyourlife #sexylips #hair #nails #face #booty #bootylicious #beauty #bluetanktop #blue #tanktop #tank #top

Flickr/Perry Hall

14. You claim to be gluten intolerant

Except when you’re drunk, then your body magically develops the ability to process P. Terry's. 
 

15. You talk in the Alamo Drafthouse 

 

16. You’re getting certified to teach yoga

By another yoga teacher, thus continuing the eternal cycle. 

Flickr/rpavich

17. You vape in restaurants

 

18. Your idea of a good time is going to the Ranch

AKA “comfortably dressed ex-frat and ex-sorority people binge drinking.”
 

19. You never go East of Rainey St

Except for that one time you went to Whisler’s.
 

20. You’re in real estate and wear square-toe dress shoes

 

21. You refer to East Sixth as the “hipster side”

 

22. You leave trash up in Mt Bonnell 

Flickr/Keegan Jones

23. You don’t like breakfast tacos

Who ARE you?!
 

24. You think Guero’s is authentic Mexican cuisine

 

25. You’re the reason for this

 

26. You were sad when Logan’s on Sixth closed

 

27. You think the $15 cover at Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar is toootally worth it

Nobody should like “American Pie” that much.

Flickr/Matthew Gaventa

28. You have tried to pick a fight at 2:15am on Dirty Sixth

The only winner is YouTube.
 

29. You’re a crappy tipper

Just grab a Hot-N-Ready and stay home, seriously.

Kung Fu Saloon

30. You frequent Kung Fu Saloon

 

31. You wear driving shoes

If you don’t know what driving shoes are, you are 100% off the hook.
 

32. You don’t have a sense of humor about lists like this

Come on, this was written by a person wearing pajamas Googling: “what is the current slang for drinking Champagne in the club.”

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Anastacia Uriegas is an Austin writer who has been guilty of at least a dozen of these. Follow her on Twitter at @AnaUire.

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