32 Signs You’re an Austin Douchebag

Austin is progressive. It’s health conscious. It’s a haven for musicians. And that, sadly, also makes it a petri dish for douchebags. Because there’s a very fine line between kooky and douchey, see if you trip any of this town’s red flags... 

1. You are CEO...

... of a company which consists of two people.

2. You frequent rooftop bars in the Warehouse District

3. You get bottle service at Rio Rooftop

Or like, anywhere.

4. You refer to Austin as “the ATX”


5. When someone asks what you do, you say, “promoter” 

Then hand them a glossy flyer.

6. You are involved with multi-level marketing


7. You’re Lance Armstrong

8. You’re reeeeally into disc golf


9. You think it’s cute to address your server by their first name


10. You sit in the VIP section at any bar on Sixth St


11. You drive like you hate cyclists


12. You’re a transplant who’s sick of “all the new people moving here”


13. Your Instagram posts are basically all hashtags

#mylife #sungoddess #bluedrink #watchmewhipwatchmenaenae #yourejustjealous #adventure #atxisforlovers #natural #bythepool #straightouttaaustin #uhoh #petite #ombrehair #bikini #bubbles #sundaysarethebest #loveyourlife #sexylips #hair #nails #face #booty #bootylicious #beauty #bluetanktop #blue #tanktop #tank #top

14. You claim to be gluten intolerant

Except when you’re drunk, then your body magically develops the ability to process P. Terry's. 

15. You talk in the Alamo Drafthouse 


16. You’re getting certified to teach yoga

By another yoga teacher, thus continuing the eternal cycle. 

17. You vape in restaurants


18. Your idea of a good time is going to the Ranch

AKA “comfortably dressed ex-frat and ex-sorority people binge drinking.”

19. You never go East of Rainey St

Except for that one time you went to Whisler’s.

20. You’re in real estate and wear square-toe dress shoes


21. You refer to East Sixth as the “hipster side”


22. You leave trash up in Mt Bonnell 

23. You don’t like breakfast tacos

Who ARE you?!

24. You think Guero’s is authentic Mexican cuisine


25. You’re the reason for this


26. You were sad when Logan’s on Sixth closed


27. You think the $15 cover at Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar is toootally worth it

Nobody should like “American Pie” that much.

28. You have tried to pick a fight at 2:15am on Dirty Sixth

The only winner is YouTube.

29. You’re a crappy tipper

Just grab a Hot-N-Ready and stay home, seriously.

30. You frequent Kung Fu Saloon


31. You wear driving shoes

If you don’t know what driving shoes are, you are 100% off the hook.

32. You don’t have a sense of humor about lists like this

Come on, this was written by a person wearing pajamas Googling: “what is the current slang for drinking Champagne in the club.”

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Anastacia Uriegas is an Austin writer who has been guilty of at least a dozen of these. Follow her on Twitter at @AnaUire.