3. “9:03PM: A resident in the 3300 block of N. Kenmore says an intoxicated teen in a Santa costume keeps knocking on her back door and blocking the entrance to her home.
9:08PM: The teenaged Santa on Kenmore is now ‘having a tussle’ with a neighbor who tried to intervene.
9:11PM: Santa teen is arrested for assault. Case HW571101. Unknown officer suggests ‘Santa has too much tea in his box.’”
We may never know the true story here. But we do know that a cop suggesting in a police report that Santa had “too much tea in his box” is kind of the greatest thing ever. Also, what does that even mean?
2. “6:19PM: ‘White male wearing a white bird costume has passed out on the hood of a car,’ 3524 Halsted.
6:20PM: Officer confirms: ‘I believe an ambulance is warranted. Drunk male. Dressed as a bird. Passed out on the hood of a vehicle.’ Birdman gets hospitalized.”
Now, nothing is funny about a person getting hospitalized. Unless that person was hospitalized for passing out on the hood of a car. Wearing a bird costume.
1. “1:26PM: A woman wearing a Santa hat, red sweater, and jeans is urinating under the L tracks at Sheffield and Roscoe ‘right next to the porta-potties.’ In the spirit of the holidays, a man is urinating next to her.”
Happy holidays everyone, looking forward to what December 12th brings.
Sign up here for our daily Chicago email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.
Jay Gentile is a Thrillist contributor and he totally wants to wear that bird costume to this year’s TBOX, if you’re not using it. Follow him:@innerviewmag.