Even in the cold of another Chicago winter, there’s a lot of hot air blowing through the Windy City. Since there isn't a Google Translate app for local BS, you’ll need this handy guide to find out what people really mean when they’re talking to you.
Translation: I am a creature averse to sunlight and human contact of any kind. I subsist in a dank subterranean environment on a steady diet of beer, pizza delivery, and Netflix. Approach with caution.
“Want to hit up Beaumont this weekend?”
Translation: I have no idea how to party. This is the first bar I’ve ever been to.
“Should we grab an Uber?”
Translation: It’s a three-block walk. Sure we could walk, but why the hell would anyone want to do that?
“OK, fine I’ll meet you out... just for one drink.”
Translation: You know that person that’s been peeing in your neighbor’s gangway at 5am? That’s me.
“Wanna go to happy hour?”
Translation: It’s winter in Chicago and it’s dark by 5pm. What the hell else do I have to look forward to on a Wednesday? Mike & Molly?
“We had an awesome dinner at this cool new place in the West Loop.”
Translation: We just waited over two hours for a table and spent so much cash I nearly cried. But at least I got a poorly lit Instagram out of it.
“I live in Wrigleyville.”
Translation: I just moved here.
“I was at the first Lollapalooza... before all these kids ruined it.”
Translation: I am an old curmudgeon and desperate to cling on to any sort of semblance of edge, even though I just drove in from Winnetka in my Mini Cooper.
“Can we eat at a table outside?”
Translation: It’s the first sunny day in weeks, so it must be spring-drinking weather. Even though it’s 30 out.
“Can I rent this trolley for our bar crawl?”
Translation: It’s been too long since I last forfeited a security deposit.
“I’m on the L, I’ll be there in two minutes.”
Translation: I’ll be there in 45 minutes, with something definitely sticking to my pants.
“I live in Logan Square.”
Translation: I am super cool. You are nowhere near as cool as me. Did I mention how cool I am?