America owes us
If it weren’t for Ohio, you wouldn’t be flying in that fancy plane, and you’d still be reading by candlelight, and you’d have never eaten a hot dog, and no one would have developed crazy conspiracy theories about NOT walking on the moon. If it’s an American accomplishment, it was probably invented in, or by someone from, Ohio. You’re so very welcome.
And oh yeah, football
It comes down to this last and most unassailable fact: we are the first College Football Playoff National Champions. Michigan? Well, they most certainly aren’t. And their coach wears goofy pants. Case closed.
*Get it? Because Michigan looks like a hand!
**Get it? Because Michigan looks like a... oh, never mind.
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Patrick Coleman (follow him on Twitter: @patrickacoleman) is a former Thrillist editor, who lives in Cleveland, and is obviously pissed that some of his former co-workers think Michigan is better than Ohio.