How to Spot the Worst People in Dallas

Dallas catches a lot of flack for its love of all things vapid, fake, and flashy (in the '80s, it even got us a TV show). As soap operas are replaced by reality TV shows filled with people competing for plastic surgery prize packages, the bar is constantly being raised for overall “worst person in Dallas.” That’s not you of course, right? We know you're not a sentient, walking bottle of body spray, but, so you can spot 'em in the wild, we’ve devised a quick foolproof checklist of a few telltale signs of horrific behavior.

Aurora

1. She thinks of Aurora as the ultimate selfie fest

It’s an art festival so maybe, I don’t know, put down your phone for two seconds and look at some art.

2. He goes to Mavs games and spends the entire game in the Old No. 7 club at the AAC

“Woah, that game was sick... from what I saw on the flat screens behind the bar.”

Flickr/Jason Meredith

3. He or She is in an SMU frat or sorority

It’s bad to profile unless it’s a kid yelling “Pony Up” right before doing a keg stand in which case, profile away.

4. He or she is a party planner for an SMU frat or sorority

You are the only people with the complete lack of awareness that you think it’s ok to throw a themed “thug” party. Go away now.

5. He thinks of Chris Chris as his role model

[cue Dave Matthews Band’s “Ants Marching”]

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6. She goes to places with names like PLÜSH or KRÜSH or WISH

BÄRF.

7. He often finds himself partying at the same clubs that Cowboys players are at right before they commit felonies

Makes you pine for the good ol’ days when the worst that would happen was Michael Irvin would maybe stab someone with scissors just a little.

8. He sees nothing wrong with a place described as an “ultralounge”

That is ultra-sad.

Flickr/JD Lasica

9. He tells anyone within earshot that he is business partners with Mark Cuban

Watching Shark Tank marathons in your underwear while you eat cereal is not really considered a business partnership.

10. He constantly claims that Dallas native and Jesuit grad Jordan Spieth is his “bro”

Jordan Spieth is not, in any way, your bro.

Wikimedia

11. His favorite music venue is AT&T Stadium

“But they got that dang ol’ big TV, y’all!”

12. She considers the West Village a cultural hub

If you’re ever wondering what constitutes a cultural hub, here’s a hint: it usually doesn’t involve more than five places that sell jeans.

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13. He is a cyclist who speeds down Katy Trail on his bicycle

Not cool, Lance.

14. She has ever referred to Dallas as the “middle coast”

That’s not a thing. Stop saying that.  

Flickr/Scott Beale

15. She has ever blocked traffic on Elm St in Dealey Plaza for a photo op

You know that’s a working road that normal people have to, like, drive on to get home from work and stuff, right? In this case, get on my lawn and off my damn road.

16. She wonders why Bravo doesn’t bring back “Most Eligible Dallas”

How on earth could a reality show with surprise guest appearances by luminaries like Jody Dean get cancelled?

17. He has ever, between the months of May and October, uttered the phrase, “Hot enough for ya?”

Everyone is sapped already from the heat and doesn’t need you to drain their life force with your dad jokes

David Maez/Thrillist

18. He doesn't pick up his trash off the lawn at the FOE pool

What are you, some kind of monster?

19. He gets misty eyed reminiscing about Ghostbar (RIP)

You know it was more of a punchline than a place that people actually wanted to hang out at, right?

Flickr/adrian valenzuela

20. He thinks his CrossFit session is totally worth snarling traffic up at rush hour. Gotta get ripped, brah.

Sorry ‘bout your commute and stuff.

21. She is too prissy for gas station tacos

You are not long for this world.

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22. He puts his bike on a bike rack on his giant SUV to drive to a bike ride in his own neighborhood

“But my car has cup holders!”

23. He's actually from Houston

At least you realized your mistake and got out of that city that smells like underwear soup at all times.

24. She's ever referred to Oak Cliff as “the OC”

Number of spottings of Adam Brody or Mischa Barton in Oak Cliff: zero

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Amanda Cobra is the Spud Webb of dad jokes and the only person on the planet who likes the second Ghostbusters more than the first one. Follow her into Valhalla on Twitter at @amandacobra.