Rivalry Week 2015

Why Michigan Is Infinity Times Better Than Ohio

Nicole Rupersburg/Thrillist (edited)

Because there's nothing quite like a good old-fashioned fight, it's Rivalry Week. Keep tabs on simmering feuds across the country right here.

The worst thing about Ohio being better than Michigan in football (for now!), is that it gives people the wrong idea about Ohio as a whole, so we thought we’d take this opportunity to remind everyone that the state a certain site that rhymes with “illest” recently called the “Florida of the North,” and ranked 48th out of the 50 states, is still wayyyy worse than Michigan at almost everything else.

Oh, and by the way, we’re not just talking about the obvious reasons, like the fact that we were #1 on that aforementioned list of states, but for these 13 reasons too...

Michigan has the Greatest of Lakes

Michigan is actually a peninsula (OK, technically it's TWO peninsulas) surrounded by the Great Lakes, while Ohio has the one Not Very Good (Great) Lake, Lake Erie.
 

Musically the states are like Beethoven and Kanye West -- only Kanye’d try to compare them

Sure, Cleveland has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but do you know what that place really is? A museum dedicated to amazing musicians who are all from places that aren’t Ohio... like Michigan, which is the birthplace of techno, the Detroit garage sound, and freaking MOTOWN. As well as artists ranging from Madonna and Eminem, to Bob Seger, Jack White, and Kid Rock -- yes, we said Kid Rock. Oh, and did we mention Motown, FFS?!

Michigan is the Great Beer State. And you are... ?

Kinda peaked early with Great Lakes Brewing Company didn’t you, Ohio? We give them all the credit in the world for what they achieved during the dark days of craft beer (and Barrel-Aged Blackout Stout is better than many other white whale BBA stouts out there) but, we have to ask: what have you done for us lately? And the answer is, not much. Meanwhile Michigan has left you in the spent grain dust of the national scene.
 

Ohio is pretty much the South

It's literally South, when coming from the perspective of Michigan, but from Columbus down, Ohio is basically THE South. They even have the twangy accents. And the South is... well. It’s the South. We all know we're just being polite by letting it still hang out with the rest of the states that actually matter.

The f---g cops

Seriously, THE F---G COPS. Do you know why every Michigander absolutely loathes driving through Ohio? Aside from the perpetual flatness, and the cornfields, and the toll roads, and the maddeningly cheap cigarette cartons (even though we totally don't smoke anymore but can still appreciate a good deal when we see it)? The entire state is a never-ending speed trap, and the cops are so relentlessly efficient they seriously have Square readers so they can take your payment on the spot. It’s enough to make you take up smoking.
 

Michigan is for winners

Cleveland sports fans already know -- oh, do they know this -- but the city of Detroit alone has produced more championship-winning teams than the entire state of Ohio, which, by the way, has major sports teams in THREE different cities.

Even LeBron agrees!

He may be back for now, but the evidence suggests that, as the saying goes, even LeBron hates Ohio. 
 

The whole state is back-up schools

The only people who go to Ohio State are the ones who didn't get into Michigan State. And the only people who go to Michigan State are the ones who didn't get into U of M. See how this works?

NASCAR is not just a sport for you; it's a lifestyle

A friend once told us, "All there is to do in Ohio is watch cars and have sex." In addition to explaining the state's higher teen birth rate, it also explains the need for two NASCAR tracks. Look, it's not that auto racing isn't a badass sport (what kind of anti-American hates fast cars and occasional explosions [PROVIDED NO ONE GETS HURT]?!), it's just that the fans most associated with it are, well, you know... not so much Chris Hemsworth in Rush as David Spade in Joe Dirt. And sure, Ohio isn’t the only state with two NASCAR tracks, it's just that, when one thinks of all the negative stereotypes associated with the sport, one doesn't really think of the Sonoma Raceway or the Richmond International Speedway. One thinks of Ohio.
 

Dan Gilbert... thanks Ohio 

Sadly the only way to explain Dan Gilbert's omnipresence in both Cleveland and Detroit is that the former was just a testing ground for what he’s doing in the latter, only bigger, and better, and neon-ier. Um, yayyy?   

Ohio is sooooo boring

If you start on the border of Michigan and Ohio, in Toledo say, and drive South you'll end up in Cincinnati. No one wants to be in Cincinnati. Cincinnati doesn't even want to be in Cincinnati. But if you start in the same place and drive North you'll end up in Copper Harbor, and Copper Harbor is the coolest. Plus, even though the drive from Toledo to Cincinnati is shorter, it’ll FEEL so much longer.
 

Michigan does way more with less

For being flat and boring and terrible, Ohio sure does manage to squeeze in a lot of people. Some quick math: Ohio is 44.825 square miles with 11.59 million people crammed into it. Michigan, however, is 96,716 square miles with 9.91 million people. That's more than double the size with 1.5 million fewer people. Admittedly, about 9.5 million of those people live in the Lower Peninsula, which makes an escape to the Upper Peninsula all the more people-free and enjoyable -- provided it's mid-week and/or off-season of course, but even then it’s better than Ohio.

One word: food

Michigan has given the world coney dogs and Detroit-style pizza. What have you done for the world, Ohio? Where are your unique, indigenous culinary creations? Oh, right, you gave us Cincinnati chili, that spaghetti-and-chili abomination topped with a mound of unmelted shredded cheddar cheese. Thanks?

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Nicole Rupersburg (@eatsdrinksandleaves on Instagram) is a freelance writer/photographer who splits her time between Detroit and Las Vegas, where most people can’t spend more than a couple days, but are still better than Ohio.