101 Ways You're Doing Houston Wrong

Houston Texas modern skyline at sunset twilight from park lawn
holbox/Shutterstock (Edited)

Think you’ve been living a blissful life in Houston? Probably more like blissfully unaware, because if you’ve made any of these grave errors, you’re not doing this beautiful city -- or yourself -- any justice. Don’t worry, we’re not here to judge, just to help AutoCorrect some of those mistakes so you’re not doing Houston totally wrong.

1. You put sour cream on your breakfast taco
2. Your umbrella is not in your trunk right now
3. You don't make biweekly pilgrimages to Chinatown
4. You're not friends with someone with access to a pool
5. You live in Katy (sorry, y’all)

6. You have exactly zero crawfish peeling strategy
7. You still believe you’re "going to walk there"
8. You’re not drinking Ca phe sua da
9. ... or horchata
10. You’re not wearing sunscreen right now
11. You’re not wearing bug spray right now
12. You refuse to leave the Loop
13. You’re taking the pre-June weather for granted
14. You didn’t account for 610 traffic
15. You’re expecting the construction to finish

16. You’ve never been to Killen’s Barbecue
17. You’ve never been to Killen’s Steakhouse
18. Heck, you’ve never even been to Pearland

19. You’re eating fried chicken without donuts (or donuts without fried chicken)
20. You’re not bringing a packed cooler to the Art Car Parade
21. You haven’t barhopped downtown (it’s cool now!)
22. ... or been to a Moonlight Dolls show at Prohibition Supperclub & Bar
23. You forgot it was Critical Mass, and now you’re stuck behind 1,000 cyclists
24. You parked on the street overnight 
25. “Turn Around, Don’t Drown” is not your go-to motto
26. You haven’t been to at least three different breweries – scratch that, make it five
27. You don’t know ‘bout Blanket Bingo at the Square 
28. You’ve never visited Johnson Space Center
29. ... or seen a show in the Theater District
30. You're not sucking the heads

31. You still think barbecue is about the sauce
32. You buy pre-packaged tortillas instead of freshly made
33. You’ve never finished a Saint Arnold Pub Crawl
34. You still wear your Schaub jersey
35. You get your lattes at that Seattle import instead of any of these places
36. You’ve ordered above medium-rare
37. You’re not going to Dynamo games
38. ... or to Dash games 
39. You’re saving all of your money for rent instead of for dinner at The Pass
40. You don’t have a favorite tequila
41. ... nor do you have 9/80s
42. You own more jackets than bathing suits
43. And more boots than flip flops

44. You biked to work today without checking the forecast
45. You didn’t buy FPSF tickets pre-sale
46. You’re too addicted to Whataburger to try any local spots 
47. You haven’t shopped at Canino Produce
48. You thought installing a hot tub was necessary 
49. You’re not road trippin’ to explore the rest of Texas
50. You didn’t triple check the street sign before parking
51. You haven’t B-cycled and barhopped
52. ... or walked the renovated pathways on the Buffalo Bayou
53. You don’t have your hurricane preparedness kit ready to go
54. You’re not friends with at least one bartender

55. There is no egg on your enchiladas
56. You go to the Kolache Factory instead of The Original Kolache Shoppe
57. You’re not getting all of your cakes from El Bolillo Bakery
58. “What’s turtle racing?” is something you’ve said 
59. Urban Harvest Farmers Markets aren’t a part of your weekly repertoire
60. You don’t know about the tunnels
61. You don’t realize that Galveston is a gem
62. You believe the weather guy, ever
63. You trust that your bike “will be fine”
64. You took Westheimer
65. You don’t "volunteer" at The Hideout for rodeo

66. You’re not trying alllll the new restaurants and bars
67. You don’t know what Sunday Streets is
68. You’re not going dry-aged, bone-in 
69. You’ve never had meat sweats
70. You don’t know where Alamo Tamale & Taco is, because you’ve never been
71. You’re not taking advantage of these FREE museums
72. You have no friends that live in River Oaks
73. You’re still going to Gaslamp
74. You don’t have a sick lineup of podcasts for your sure-to-be-terrible commute
75. You’re not frequenting Second Saturdays at The Silos

76. You haven’t hiked Sam Houston National Forest
77. ... or Galveston Island State Park
78. You’ve shown up to a cook-off without an ‘in’ for a tent
79. You didn’t splurge for paid parking at The Galleria
80. You forgot cash for the valet
81. You’re saving po-boys for New Orleans
82. You don’t know how to make a damn left-hand turn at a divide (wait, that’s all of us)
83. Chile gravy is not a regular part of your vocabulary
84. You went to that pop-up thinking there’d still be kolaches at noon
85. You don’t happy hour here
86. And you’ve never even oyster happy houred

87. You don’t have an opinion about what to do with the Astrodome
88. The Texans still get your hopes up
89. ... as do the ‘stros
90. You’re not subscribed to r/houston (how else would you know the best place to poop downtown?)
91. You’re making any of these terrible restaurant decisions
92. You’ve never had a Monday hangover because you’re not Sundaying hard enough
93. You don’t have a go-to spot for pho
94. ... nor a go-to spot for ramen
95. You think Southern hospitality applies to the highways
96. You actually drive the speed limit 

97. You still believe “good hair days” are possible
98. You left your laptop in your front seat
99. You don’t turn down for Watt
100. You started a tab in Midtown (do you not like keeping your credit card?)
101. You’re not treating it like home

Sign up here for our daily Houston email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.

Brooke Viggiano is a Houston writer who is a big hypocrite because she sometimes puts sour cream on her breakfast tacos even though she’s not supposed to. See what other rules she breaks @BrookeViggiano.