Think you’ve been living a blissful life in Houston? Probably more like blissfully unaware, because if you’ve made any of these grave errors, you’re not doing this beautiful city -- or yourself -- any justice. Don’t worry, we’re not here to judge, just to help AutoCorrect some of those mistakes so you’re not doing Houston totally wrong.
1. You put sour cream on your breakfast taco 2. Your umbrella is not in your trunk right now 3. You don't make biweekly pilgrimages to Chinatown 4. You're not friends with someone with access to a pool 5. You live in Katy (sorry, y’all)
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6. You have exactly zero crawfish peeling strategy 7. You still believe you’re "going to walk there" 8. You’re not drinking Ca phe sua da 9. ... or horchata 10. You’re not wearing sunscreen right now 11. You’re not wearing bug spray right now 12. You refuse to leave the Loop 13. You’re taking the pre-June weather for granted 14. You didn’t account for 610 traffic 15. You’re expecting the construction to finish
16. You’ve never been to Killen’s Barbecue 17. You’ve never been to Killen’s Steakhouse 18. Heck, you’ve never even been to Pearland
19. You’re eating fried chicken without donuts (or donuts without fried chicken) 20. You’re not bringing a packed cooler to the Art Car Parade 21. You haven’t barhopped downtown (it’s cool now!) 22. ... or been to a Moonlight Dolls show at Prohibition Supperclub & Bar 23. You forgot it was Critical Mass, and now you’re stuck behind 1,000 cyclists 24. You parked on the street overnight 25. “Turn Around, Don’t Drown” is not your go-to motto 26. You haven’t been to at least three different breweries – scratch that, make it five 27. You don’t know ‘bout Blanket Bingo at the Square 28. You’ve never visited Johnson Space Center 29. ... or seen a show in the Theater District 30. You're not sucking the heads
31. You still think barbecue is about the sauce 32. You buy pre-packaged tortillas instead of freshly made 33. You’ve never finished a Saint Arnold Pub Crawl 34. You still wear your Schaub jersey 35. You get your lattes at that Seattle import instead of any of these places 36. You’ve ordered above medium-rare 37. You’re not going to Dynamo games 38. ... or to Dash games 39. You’re saving all of your money for rent instead of for dinner at The Pass 40. You don’t have a favorite tequila 41. ... nor do you have 9/80s 42. You own more jackets than bathing suits 43. And more boots than flip flops
44. You biked to work today without checking the forecast 45. You didn’t buy FPSF tickets pre-sale 46. You’re too addicted to Whataburger to try any local spots 47. You haven’t shopped at Canino Produce 48. You thought installing a hot tub was necessary 49. You’re not road trippin’ to explore the rest of Texas 50. You didn’t triple check the street sign before parking 51. You haven’t B-cycled and barhopped 52. ... or walked the renovated pathways on the Buffalo Bayou 53. You don’t have your hurricane preparedness kit ready to go 54. You’re not friends with at least one bartender
55. There is no egg on your enchiladas 56. You go to the Kolache Factory instead of The Original Kolache Shoppe 57. You’re not getting all of your cakes from El Bolillo Bakery 58. “What’s turtle racing?” is something you’ve said 59. Urban Harvest Farmers Markets aren’t a part of your weekly repertoire 60. You don’t know about the tunnels 61. You don’t realize that Galveston is a gem 62. You believe the weather guy, ever 63. You trust that your bike “will be fine” 64. You took Westheimer 65. You don’t "volunteer" at The Hideout for rodeo
66. You’re not trying alllll the new restaurants and bars 67. You don’t know what Sunday Streets is 68. You’re not going dry-aged, bone-in 69. You’ve never had meat sweats 70. You don’t know where Alamo Tamale & Taco is, because you’ve never been 71. You’re not taking advantage of these FREE museums 72. You have no friends that live in River Oaks 73. You’re still going to Gaslamp 74. You don’t have a sick lineup of podcasts for your sure-to-be-terrible commute 75. You’re not frequenting Second Saturdays at The Silos
76. You haven’t hiked Sam Houston National Forest 77. ... or Galveston Island State Park 78. You’ve shown up to a cook-off without an ‘in’ for a tent 79. You didn’t splurge for paid parking at The Galleria 80. You forgot cash for the valet 81. You’re saving po-boys for New Orleans 82. You don’t know how to make a damn left-hand turn at a divide (wait, that’s all of us) 83. Chile gravy is not a regular part of your vocabulary 84. You went to that pop-up thinking there’d still be kolaches at noon 85. You don’t happy hour here 86. And you’ve never even oyster happy houred
87. You don’t have an opinion about what to do with the Astrodome 88. The Texans still get your hopes up 89. ... as do the ‘stros 90. You’re not subscribed to r/houston (how else would you know the best place to poop downtown?) 91. You’re making any of these terrible restaurant decisions 92. You’ve never had a Monday hangover because you’re not Sundaying hard enough 93. You don’t have a go-to spot for pho 94. ... nor a go-to spot for ramen 95. You think Southern hospitality applies to the highways 96. You actually drive the speed limit
97. You still believe “good hair days” are possible 98. You left your laptop in your front seat 99. You don’t turn down for Watt 100. You started a tab in Midtown (do you not like keeping your credit card?) 101. You’re not treating it like home
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Brooke Viggiano is a Houston writer who is a big hypocrite because she sometimes puts sour cream on her breakfast tacos even though she’s not supposed to. See what other rules she breaks @BrookeViggiano.