30 Things You Have to Do in Houston Before You Turn 30

There are a lot of things you can do in your 30s that you can’t in your 20s. For instance, afford stuff. Conversely, there are even more things you’re able to do in your 20s that you can’t do in your 30s. And here are precisely 30 of them that you should start ticking off before the gray kicks in.

Already 30? Ehhhh, screw it. Try this stuff anyway and let us know how it goes.

1. Attend FPSF

And not in the air-conditioned VIP tent.

2. Pregame HARD for the Art Car Parade

You can totally do this after you turn 30, but we’re not talking mimosas in the back of a cooler wagon that also houses your kid. We’re talking about kegs & eggs at the apartment of a friend who lives off the parade route, then mimosas in the back of a cooler wagon that also houses your beer. Trust us. It makes the wacky art cars way cooler.

3. Complete a Saint Arnold bar crawl

And have no other regular glasses because your entire cabinet will be filled with Saint Arnold pint glasses from doing so.

4. Treat yourself to a meal that you can in no way afford

Because by 30-something, you can probably afford it, and therefore it won’t taste as good. We suggest choosing a fancy one from this list of the current best.

5. Sneak booze on the light rail

What, are you supposed to show up at the Texans game sober?

6. Dominate trampoline dodgeball

That barrel-roll into a kick-flip off the wall move gets much harder the closer you are to 40. Show off your skills before your body betrays you, and every jump turns into potential knee surgery.

7. Spin the Shot Wheel

Shot Bar is known for two things. One of them we can’t remember and the other is its win-a-shot Shot Wheel.

8. Ditch all of your responsibilities in favor of floating beer pong

Whether you live at an apartment complex with a crazy pool party, know someone that lives in a complex with a crazy pool party, or just hear a crazy pool party as you’re walking your dog, forget all about those errands you responsibly planned on doing and get to it.  

9. Puke and rally at a bar

Most likely Lola’s.

10. Bet on turtles

Getting overly amped over Little Woodrow’s Thursday night turtle races is a 20-something right of passage. Double points if you’re female, and you are one of the night’s ‘bucket babes.’

11. Do a full week of “steak night”

How will you ever know which bar serves the best 14oz ribeye if you don’t try them all? Your 20-year-old body will be much more forgiving than it will 10 or so years later.

12. Join a kickball league

Solely so you can participate in things like themed bar crawls and weeknight flipcup.

13. Drink at allllll the bars

Once you’re 30, you’ll have a handful of predictable (but reliable!) bars that you’ll frequent. Until then, have fun narrowing down your list of favorites.

14. Convince yourself that Clé's bottle service is worth it

Come 30, the only thing that will be “worth it” is Netflix and scotch in your underwear.

15. Eat all of these fries

In all of their queso-smothered, bacon-sprinkled, gravy-coated glory. And do it quick your metabolism is still in working order.

16. And while you’re at it, all of these quesos

Just avoid your doctor for a good week or so after attempting to do so.

17. Make a ton of bad decisions, on purpose

We have 14 places at which it’s pretty much expected of you to do so.

18. Catch your favorite band on a weeknight

Great news! Your favorite band is coming in to town! But since this is Houston, it’s likely on a school night. Ignore that fact and enjoy a false sense of freedom before the thought of even catching Jimmy Fallon on a weeknight sounds like a terrible idea.

19. Absolutely refuse to drink a milkshake unless it’s boozy

Optional extra: start a Tumblr in honor of it, create “I drink your boozy milkshake” Vines in an attempt to get famous, constantly Tweet that nobody better offer you a milkshake unless it’s a boozy one. And start here.

20. Sober up with pho at Mai’s

Because pho tastes better at 3am, right? Being that it’s in walking distance to the Midtown bars, this Vietnamese eatery is a late night godsend for those that have had a few too many.

21. Do a Hot Undies Run

I think we can all agree a bunch of people running in their undies looks a whole lot different at 30+. Do it while you’re tight and right.

22. Drop the mic at Christian’s Tailgate

Don’t technically drop the mic, because the karaoke DJ doesn’t like that, and he’ll probably have the bouncer kindly escort you out. But do sing the hell out of "Bohemian Rhapsody" even though you’re mom’s been telling you that you can’t hold a tune since age 5.

23. Call in sick to work on a Monday

... because you had wayyyyyyyyy too much fun drowning yourself in mimosas, and later, Fireball, at Sunday brunch. Your boss will probably know you’re lying, but at least you won’t be fired for smelling like whiskey.

24. Show off your mechanical bull riding skills at Rebels

You may need some liquid courage before doing so. Good thing Washington Ave honkey tonk offers plenty.

25. Make out on the dance floor

No one likes seeing 30 year olds make out. And quite frankly, no one likes seeing 20 year olds make out either. But no one will see you if you’re on the ‘whose hand is that?’ dance floor at Red Door. And that’s the key to getting away with it.

26. Rock an explicit FYHA T-shirt

Because your 20 something and you don’t think about other people’s kids seeing obscene language yet.

27. Put a cerveza in your margarita

28. And take any shot that involves Red Bull and/or a sexual innuendo in its name


29. Run the beer pong table at Hans Bier Haus

With meniscus cups (aka the money cup, depending on where you went to college).

30. Swear you’re never, ever drinking again. Ever.

Then drink again.

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Brooke Viggiano is a Houston writer who will never do any of these things again. Maybe. Most likely. Ok, she’ll probably do some of these again. Commiserate with her @BrookeViggiano.