There are roughly 6.49 million people in the Greater Houston area, and roughly 6.489 million of them are douchebags. Chances are you’re one of them. Especially if you’re tripping on one of these 34 triggers that define just what kind of money-fueled, self-obsessed, screw-everyone-but-me douchebaggery Houstonians can be known for. Here’s how to tell...
1. You rock cowboy boots and a Texas flag button-down all year round
Even though you’re from Connecticut.
2. Your dad owns an oil services company and you have three middle names
You also live in River Oaks and we hate you.
3. You have a 9/80 work schedule, which you brag about any chance you get
Do you really need to Snapchat your afternoon shandy sessions every other Friday? Do you?!
4. You don’t like breakfast tacos
Wait a minute… who ARE you?!
5. You own a Gaslamp VIP card
And/or you are its lawyer.
6. You’ve parked your tricked-out Hummer across two electric spots at Whole Foods
Seriously. All too many of us have seen this happen.
7. You refuse to venture east of Louisiana St
Except that oooone time you went to Instagram a wild boar dog at Moon Tower Inn for your blahggg.
8. You’re reading this while sniffing wine at Eddie V’s right now
9. Or from the chair at the bespoke “gentlemen’s beauty bar,” Shave
10. You own a truck with spikes on the rims
11. You’re a driver who hates cyclists or a cyclist who hates drivers
You both suck.
12. You thought Houston needed an American Psycho-inspired, members-only club
RIP Dorsia. Not.
13. You have your work phone strapped to your belt at the bar
It’s called happy hour. Not “take your problems with you” hour.
14. You still believe Washington Ave is the “it” neighborhood
And you don’t know how Ei8ht closed.
15. You hate everyone who’s “ruining” Montrose
Even though you’ve only been living there a year.
16. You live a Paleo/CrossFit life and won’t stop telling everyone about it
17. You refuse to eat from any of those “nasty” food trucks
Whatever. More chicharrones for us, bro.
18. You moved back after going to UT and can’t stop talking about how much better Austin was
We liked it better when you were there, too.
19. You complain about gentrification while sipping a Blacksmith almond milk affogato
And eating a $17 Vietnamese steak & eggs breakfast.
20. You were actually sad when Roak and OTC on Kirby closed
We’re sad for you.
21. You have ever taken a Jägerbomb at Howl at the Moon
22. You refuse to leave your neighborhood and/or the loop
Haven’t we told you? Your neighborhood sucks.
23. You get mad when it’s loud at your Midtown apartment complex pool
Sorry for ruining your afternoon reading sesh (Jon Snow is a Warg, btw), but those pools are made for floating beer pong and sharks and minnows.
24. You’ve reserved a VIP table at Shot Bar
Have you also gotten bottle service at Red Door?
25. You shop exclusively at West Ave
Because you LIVE there.
26. You look down at people who drink “basic” coffee
Alright you cortado-loving, artisan-bean procuring coffee snob, PSLs are delicious and you know it!
27. You say you know Chinatown, but have only eaten at Fung’s and Crawfish & Noodles
And don’t even realize neither of those is actually in Chinatown.
28. You’re a member of the Petroleum Club
29. You health shame people
We’re glad you got your nine miles in at Memorial Park and we're really happy you love that spicy crap from Juicy in the Sky, but we’re going to eat this double bacon grilled cheese burger now, OK? Stop looking at us.
30. You take your kickball league a little too seriously
Triple bonus points if you’re the worse half of one of those WAKA “love stories.”
31. You are currently on a themed pedal party
Don’t get us wrong, pedal parties are terrific. But y’all have had too many drinks to be operating a giant tandem bicycle right now.
32. You’re a transplant in a Watt jersey
33. You’re originally from Dallas
34. You don’t have a sense of humor about lists like these
Quit complaining, you sound like you’re from Dallas.
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Brooke Viggiano is a Houston writer who is guilty of at least 10 of these. Find out which ones at @BrookeViggiano.