Houstonians are pretty open about their vices like, say, their Whataburger obsession -- look around you right now, we bet there’s at least one person stuffing their face with a Green Chile Double, sans guilt. There are other behaviors, however, that locals will never quite openly admit they love, but OMG they love them so much. Whether it’s a sin of gluttony or a bad habit that makes you a total Chad, we know all of your dirty little secrets.
Pretending to like brisket and ribs without barbecue sauce
“Good brisket doesn’t NEED sauce,” you say. “The REAL flavor is in the meat and bark,” you claim. “Only savages would ruin Texas barbecue with sauce!” you shout. You have to keep up appearances and pretend to be a BBQ elitist, but you secretly think dipping that magically smoked meat and cutting the fat with a tangy BBQ sauce is delicious as hell and you know it. As long as you don’t openly admit to preferring Carolina-style barbecue, you should be fine.
Not walking anywhere
We all complain about having to drive everywhere because Houston is so sprawled and we wish we could walk but it’s not pedestrian friendly and blah blah blah. But the second someone suggests walking to the bar because it’s only like 10 minutes away, you’re already on your iPhone ordering an Uber.
Subtle brags about the 80 degree weather in February
Admit it, you abuse the hell out of that temperature Snapchat filter.
Getting away with eating what is basically a hot dog for breakfast
The fact that kolache -- or more accurately, klobasniky -- are for the most part hot dogs wrapped in sweet dough along with cheese and jalapeño, and are an acceptable breakfast in Houston, is what makes this city great. We don’t care if it fools exactly no one.
Using Rodeo as an excuse for a weekday bender
So you volunteer at the Rodeo, how very honorable of you! Let us guess, you’re in the Corral Club, which means you serve your mission in the Hideout serving drinks to girls in cowboy boots and spend the other 16 days seeing free Brad Paisley shows and getting free booze from your fellow volunteers. Sure you wake up in panic next to a bag of chocolate-covered bacon every morning, but it’s for charity!
Claiming you’re not going to Shot Bar but ending up at Shot Bar
It doesn’t matter good you are at adulting or how you really “prefer red wine over anything else these days.” Because even though you were totally against going to that “shitshow of a bar” at the beginning of your Thursday eve, you totally suggested it towards the end. Like a moth to the flame.
Getting Taco Cabana
There are sooooo many good taquerias with handmade tortillas and authentic offerings, ranging from breakfasty numbers like chorizo y papas con huevo to lunchier things like lengua and al pastor. Turn any corner and you’ll find excellent Tex-Mex spots with steak fajitas, puffy tacos, and queso for days. Yet somehow, you still find yourself face first into a Taco Cabana burrito bowl every other week.
Being “forced” to skip a workout because of the weather
You were definitely planning on going to bootcamp this morning and not be sitting in pajama pants on your couch binge watching The O.C. on Netflix, but then it just started torrential-downpouring out of nowhere! Just like last night, when after work it was still 85-feels-like-95 degrees out so you had to go to happy hour instead of meeting up with your running club at Memorial Park.
Really, it being too hot out to do anything but sit at an ice house all day You can’t help that beer is cold and running errands is not.
Fact: though you constantly feign annoyance at “having to run” to the Galleria, the only thing you actually hate is trying to park there. The rest, from spending entirely too much money on rubber boat shoes to the food court circling and sampling game, is pure glory. Hell, you may even ice skate one day, but definitely not today because your feet are tired and you think you’ve earned yourself a beer.
Complaining about changing neighborhoods to anyone within ear shot
Yet still chatting up the hot, gluten-free barista at the 100% local, raw, organic, and sustainable juice bar down the street that you frequent post-workout. We get it, you’ve lived here forever and have sworn an oath to “Keep Montrose Weird,” but you sort of like the new shops and bars popping up around the ‘hood. Minus the Mattress Firms. Nobody likes those.
Overly gluttonous, Texas-sized portions
Go ahead and pretend for one second that you’re not happy that side of fries you ordered with your chicken Caesar salad is enough to feed a small family. No one believes you. We know you “hate to waste food” so you make sure you get through that CFS that’s bigger than your head, too.
Judging people that live outside The Loop
Or if you live outside The Loop, judging people that pay five times your rent to live inside The Loop.
Living close to Austin
You’re #HtownRideOrDie, always repping Houston and ripping those Hill Country Hipsters every chance you get. Yet when someone suggests a weekend getaway, you can practically taste Gourdough’s Mother Clucker in your mouth.
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