The Types of Transplants You'll Meet in Houston
Houston is often called a city of transplants. While the majority of the influx likely moved here for work, each transplant can be divided into unique categories based on a mix of sociological statistics, geographic origin, and hardcore, unapologetic stereotyping. Sorry we’re not sorry (unless we deeply offend you, and then, OK, we are a little sorry).
The Southern belle
This sweet tea-sippin’ gal may seem innocent, but three Fireballs later and she’s let her country out in full force. You can find her dirty dancing on stage at Howl at the Moon and charming her way into free slices of late-night pizza before falling on the sidewalk after the bars close.
That guy from Beaumont
He may be a little less polished than the rest of your coworkers (he is from the butthole of Texas), but he’s the only reason work dinners are fun... mostly because he’s pounded like, five Lone Stars, and you’re at a sushi restaurant.
The insufferable one from "The City"
This not-so-rare creature holds steady to the belief that NYC is the center of the universe, so no one’s really sure why they moved here in the first place. After a few months of Houston-bashing and having their mind blown by the lack of a subway system, this person realizes that being able to afford a car is way better than sharing their commute with a pizza rat. Consider them a work-in-progress.
The one from Dallas
A house divided, half of this crew is Big D ride-or-die, and the other half couldn’t wait to get out of that hellhole. You can tell one from the other by the size of their hair and/or whether they own a vanity plate with a reference to “money” in it.
This brainwashed bunch reps A&M life hard, whether they are fresh out of school and still bolstering a crush on Johnny Football (despite the fact that he’s the Shia LaBeouf of the sport), or they're your balding coworker who rocks Aggie ties and socks, and for whom you are deeply embarrassed.
The spot-on Austinite
These specimens have decided to “Keep Austin Weird” even though they aren’t going to school in Austin anymore. A hemp-heavy, plastic bag-free way of life may have gotten to their heads, but we can’t tell, because their ironic facial hair is blocking everything. Seek them out at Whole Foods, where they’ll be spending way too much money on organic ingredients for their homemade weed juice.
The Californian that's way cooler than you
This rare species is totally non-judgmental, despite the fact that they are way cooler than you. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been eating In-N-Out for years and will never understand your love for Whataburger. It’s OK that they grew up surfing on beautiful beaches and all you had was Galveston. Sure, they tan well and are ridiculously good-looking, but they appreciate you for your witty banter. It’s all good, man... but is it really?
The overly proud "Chicagoan"
Usually found in packs of six or more watching da Bears at Pub Fiction, these urban Midwesterners have mad love for all things “Chi-caw-go,” and they aren’t afraid to tell you about it. If you want them to stop telling you about it, ask them which outskirt suburb they are actually from.
The small-town Midwesterner
This character holds on to too much Midwestern guilt to lie about being from Chicago... but not enough to not get sloppy at the flip cup table.
The preppy New Englander
Decked out in Vineyard Vines and convinced he can pull off a bow tie, this charmer feels oddly at home in the South. Unfortunately for him, Houston’s not really the South. You’ll find the prepster making it rain at some of the city’s more elegant establishments, from the old-school Tony’s to -- who are we kidding? -- the strip club.
The UF alum gator-clapping down the street
Bro or bro-ess, this Gator has no shortage of questionably fashionable cutoff shorts. They are easy to spot because they will be the first to wear flip flops in the spring, but are bundled up as though we live in a tundra at the first hint of cold. Plus, they can drink... a lot.
The engineer/doctor from overseas
Aka your boss.
The trendy European
You’re not really sure how this dude is always hanging out with Instagram models considering the fact that he wears man-pris (that’s man capris, ICYWW). You also have no idea what exactly he does to make all the cash he throws around, but you’re fairly certain it’s involves some type of marketing and promoting for a -- nope, definitely makes so sense. It has to be drug-related.
The one in the rotational program
Fresh out of college, this transitional character makes no effort to get to know the city because they are only here for three months before moving on to the next big thing (please, let it be Beaumont). Later, hater!
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