For every normal person looking for roommates online, it seems like there five times as many crazies. And obviously Craigslist is one of the best, most fun places to find them. We combed through the myriad recently posted Houston roommate ads and cherry-picked the nuttiest of them all. If you have a good roommate, hold them close and never let go. Because here are the other kinds of roommates you could be dealing with.
He’s not looking for sex...
This “muscular and easy going male” isn’t looking for sex. He only wants to share his space with a “really attractive female” for free because he’s a “sucker for looks.” Also he has some sort of creepy statue on his coffee table that looks like a female squatting. How fitting.
No other “person” will use your bathroom
Nice, quiet neighborhood. Check. Short distance to supermarkets. Check. Private room with hardwood floors. Check. Off the bedroom bath to share with “Mr. Kitty,” the toilet trained cat. Check. Wait, what?
She already knows this will attract perverts, but here it goes...
This “mature female” is totally not trying to attract pervs (o rly?). At the same time, she totally understands that with a male roommate, the FWB territory could totally be bridged, and she’s totally cool with that so long as you don’t treat her like a child and know she’s not looking for a relationship. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
This guy’s not going to lock you in a dungeon or anything
Craigslist rule #623: when a person is looking for someone to “take care of” and “love” “long term” and reiterates multiple times that you can “just stay if you want,” they’re probably going to murder you.
In case you were looking for a roommate but also a pilot
Houston’s most interesting man is retired and looking for a roomie. And he’s willing to pay for his portion of the housing with ‘tradework.’ Things he’s trained in helping with include sales and management, washing and cleaning, being a badass biker and pilot, and animals.
Send a pic and explain your needs
Take one part “mature gentleman,” add one part desire for a “ female in need,” then blend in a backyard lake, and you have the perfect recipe for the next Lifetime Craigslist Killer movie.
“No hookers need apply”
Sure, this guy definitely wants you to have sex with him in exchange for room and board, which is basically a form of payment and therefore is pretty much the definition of a hooker. But hookers need not apply. Don’t worry, you can “work out the details later.” Yikes!
Why live alone when you can live with a blessed family?
Uhhh, probably because the fact that you’re seeking out elderly people needing hospice care whilst also mentioning a creepy sounding perimeter of security cameras is suspicious as hell?
Roommate wanted, and by roommate, she means babysitter
Props for creativity. This full time working mom pretends she wants a roommate before quickly pulling the “actually I want you to take care of my 3-year-old kid” switcharoo.
Great news, Heights Batman! We just found Batgirl, and she’s a 20 something Latina woman who likes to cook Mexican and play video games. All she needs is a Batcave to call home...
You can have company over anytime, just one thing...
This laidback guy likes videos games, cooking, cleaning, and watching TV and video games. Oh, and you. He also likes watching you when you bring back “company.” Potentially from that closet with the scary dolls.
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Brooke Viggiano is Houston writer who is so incredibly grateful she has a good living situation figured out. But she still likes hearing about this stuff, so share your best Craigslist stories with her @BrookeViggiano.