The Most Unforgivable Behaviors in Houston

Published On 11/16/2016 Published On 11/16/2016
Frank's RedHot
Courtesy of Frank's RedHot

For the most part, Houstonians are pretty laid-back (we live in the birthplace of lean, after all). While we somehow manage to keep our cool despite never-ending summer conditions, there are certain unforgivable actions that not even the tamest of us can let slide. Things that will earn that person a one-way ticket to Azkaban, or more accurately, a collective "bless your heart" from the community at large.

1. Admitting you dig Dallas

Even if you feel it, don't say it aloud.

2. Parking your car on lower Westheimer

... and causing about three near-miss fender benders for every 30 minutes you're parked there.

3. Taking up an entire table at Pub Fiction during a Texans game for your "friends" who never show up

We understand you got there early, but have a soul. And get some better friends while you're at it.

Killen's BBQ

4. Thinking Killen's is overrated

Maybe you just don't get "us," because it's not… and neither is Corkscrew.

5. Calling neighborhoods New Age names like "EaDo"

Or "Midtrose" [shudder].

6. Admitting you just moved here from the Northeast

Unless you expect to be called a Yankee and treated accordingly.


7. Refusing to leave the loop

There are at least 30 reasons this is a bad idea.

8. Refusing to leave Montrose

Seriously, guys, other neighborhoods exist!

9. Settling for subpar tacos

In particular, the ones with the Chihuahua mascot that make us really, really sad. Likewise, being unaware of the best breakfast tacos locales is unacceptable. It doesn't matter what part of town you're in. At any given moment, you should have at least two to three taco spots on your radar.


10. Not "getting" the big deal about crawfish

The big deal is the spices and juices are excellent, pinching and peeling your way through a bucket of mudbugs is fun, and going to a crawfish boil with plenty of ice-cold beer is pretty much the best way to spend a Saturday ever.

11. Wasting the best part of crawfish by not sucking the head

We cringe when we see you toss those heads to the side like hot garbage.

12. Believing the dumplings at your Chinese takeout spot are just fine

They're not… go to Chinatown.

13. Referencing the phrase "Houston, we have a problem"

Because it's both incorrect and annoying.

Queso from Torchy's Tacos | Mike Cortez

14. Saying "no" to queso

Just. Say. Yes.

15. Thinking you can drive in the snow

We'll see you on the news inevitably getting stuck on a ramp to I-10!

Lifted Up Aerial Photography/Shutterstock

16. Calling the city ugly

It's an acquired taste, sure, but have a heart.

17. Bringing up Enron


18. Smothering perfectly fat-rendered, meltingly tender smoked brisket in barbecue sauce

It's like drowning a dry-aged rib-eye in ketchup. You just don't do it, you monster.

Joshua Resnick/Shutterstock

19. Bringing chili to a party but ruining it for everyone by putting beans in it

Wait, are you an ANIMAL?

20. Skipping D.O. for your B.O. in August

We're all in this together, it's the only way to survive.

21. Not having a bathing suit on you at all times

Or an umbrella. These are cardinal rules, you guys. We guess you can man the grill at the pool.

22. Having a socially unacceptable hot sauce preference

Hint: It shouldn't be named after a guy that rhymes with "Hank."


23. Uttering this: "What's a kolache?"

Unless you literally just stepped off the plane, there is no excuse for this kind of behavior.

24. Not taking "hurricane preparedness" seriously

It's as easy as going to Costco.

25. Constantly comparing Houston to Austin

Or doing it at all, for that matter. We'll help: Houston's better.

26. Avoiding common-courtesy pleasantries with strangers

Whether it be while perusing chili peppers at H-E-B or walking your dog along the Buffalo Bayou, be kind to your fellow brethren (even if he's a Yankee).

Flickr/Randall Pugh

27. Backing the destruction of the Astrodome

Despite your best efforts, the Astrodome lives on!

28. Opening up another mattress shop

We already have more of these than we do potholes, and that's hard. Actually, it's kind of impressive.

29. Getting overly excited by the prospects of a championship this year

Whether it's the Rockets, Texans, or Astros, have you learned nothing from the ghosts of seasons past?

30. Being even somewhat surprised when your laptop gets stolen from the front seat of your car

We can guarantee that store parking lot you're in takes absolutely no responsibility. Look, there's even a sign.


31. Being late because you didn't account for the traffic on 290

Estimate your usual drive time. Now add 20 minutes.

32. Not having a hot sauce preference at all

This may be worse than liking the one named after that guy we mentioned.

33. Inviting someone to lunch near the Galleria on a Saturday

Or any day, really.

34. Not defending the city to outsiders at all costs

H-town, ride or die!

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Brooke Viggiano is a Houston-based writer who is a damn Yankee but it’s not like she runs around telling people that besides the fact that she said it right here. Crap. Watch her defend the city’s honor on the daily @BrookeViggiano.



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