Maleficent. Cruella. Scar. Those are fake Disney villains. But the real bad guys? The 31 folks described below. We like to call them the worst people you’ll see at Disneyland -- they’re obnoxious, uncool, real-life Disney villains to be avoided at all costs.
This should go without saying, right? No one wants to spend all day with a know-it-all in his/her happiest place on Earth -- especially when that place actually is the... Happiest Place on Earth.
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Related to No. 1, but spends all their free time collecting limited-edition Disney pins. Yes, we know there are like a billion pin designs. It’s more sad than impressive that you have them all.
The Smelly Guy
Particularly pungent when you're cramped in a compact queue (like, maybe, Tower of Terror) with no escape. You know what the gift shops should sell? Speed Stick.
WHY ARE YOU SPLASHING INTO THE BOAT ON PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN I HATE YOU.
Photo 101 tip: shooting a flash into darkness yields washed and blown-out pics. So why are you snapping hundreds of the new Main Street Electrical Parade by firing light back at it? But by all means, do it on the rides. Lots. Because nothing will get you tossed out faster. Good riddance.
They travel in packs, mostly age 17 and under. They will over-howl through the first turn of Goofy's Sky School. Squeal within seconds of entering the darkest crawl of Pirates. Cry out at nothing scary in Haunted Mansion. These are the same assholes who moo in crowds. Muzzle 'em.
The Constant Video Taper
Sure, the Frozen sing-a-long thing that stupidly replaced the Muppets 3D movie in California Adventure is a must. (Mostly because: air conditioning.) But see that dad in prime position filming minute-long snippets? I'll bet a 2025 Park Hopper pass (forecast value: $5,340) that he never watches those things more than once. If that.
The Path Blocker
That was the best place for you and your entourage to stop and check the map?
The Double-Wide Stroller Squad
Really, why bring a baby to Disneyland? Why? 5-year-olds? Yes. Babies? No. No. No.
The Plaid accompanies and shields celebrities as they briefly tour the park while hopelessly trying to act like normal people. When Kimye threw North that birthday party recently, there were plenty of 'em. The Plaid is not to be crossed, for its thin veneer of Stepford sweet will very quickly crack all Hulk-like into fierce rounds of customer-service protocol and a whole lot of ushering you out of Anaheim.
According to friends we know who work at the park, people try to SPREAD THEIR GRANDMAS' ASHES AROUND DISNEYLAND ALL THE TIME. Who are you people????
The Line Buster
You walk up to Toy Story Midway Mania and the wait time is 25 minutes. You stick around. Five minutes later, here come four kids excusing themselves forward to “meet their mom.” Five minutes after that, three more stream by en route to another group. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
That guy on the Jungle Cruise who thinks every bad pun the captain cracks is the best joke he's ever heard. That shit ain't been funny since '77.
The Unnecessary Vomiter
If you don't know not to spin the tea cups that fast just after lunch, you deserve the resulting technicolor hurl.
The Front/Back Row Requester
Bummer, Clarabell: you didn't land where you hoped. Stop holding up the line and get on the damn ride.
The Common Core Math Failure
You've been in line for an hour and a half to hop on Indiana Jones... and now you can't remember how many are in your party? Haven't you been with these people all day?!? Designate a spokesperson already.
Congratulations! You know all the words to the Haunted Mansion narration!!!! You win nothing.
Singing during “It’s a Small World” to kill the tedium? Acceptable. Singing more than one round of "Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me": unacceptable. Singing along at the Frozen sing-along show: horrifyingly encouraged, yet still unacceptable.
The Absentee Parent
Where are you? And why is your kid hugging my leg?
The Overbearing Parent
If your 10-year-old doesn't want to do the loop on California Screamin', don't make him. Please, please, please don’t make him.
Maybe he just isn't ready for so much Disney magic. If you can't maintain basic control of your offspring, maybe you aren't either.
Right: if you don't feel like a kid at heart when you're wandering around Disneyland, you're really missing the point. But participating in grown-up cosplay during any month other than October? That's an entirely different animal. One overdue for permanent hibernation.
It cost you how much for that annual pass with no blocked-out dates? $1,039? Cool. You should shut up about that now. Also, I don't care about that one time you went to Club 33 and afterward had amazing spots for World of Color. Okay, maybe the Club 33 thing.
Yup, two hours really is a long time to wait for a roller coaster. You’re here Fourth of July weekend. It’s your fault.
The Matched Set
OK, it can be cute going as twinsies with your S.O., from customized ears down to matching Mickey-and-Minnie Vans. But a whole group in Gatorade piss-green shirts screaming Team (insert Disney icon here) across the chest? No. Go change.
The Family Orderer
Ahh... just one dude standing in the way of you getting to that delicious corn dog on Main St. And then he orders a dozen? With large drinks? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
A couple? Sure. A couple of six-packs? This ain’t a Kid Rock show, brah.
AKA the Perpetual Space Invader With Zero Awareness of Personal Bubbles. DUDE YOU’RE TOUCHING ME. WTAF?
Puppy-love PDA can be sickeningly cute. Copping breastage in broad daylight? You know, it is still a family park...
The Picture Over-Enthusiast
Of course, you want a picture or two or 10 if you’ve never been. That’s understandable. But you don’t need 456 selfies. You’re only updating your profile pic once. Stop.
The Bored Kid Hanging by Cinderella's Castle All Afternoon Sneaking Into Family Photos
No, wait, that guy's great.
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Ben Wener is the former pop music critic at The Orange County Register and also has written for The Hollywood Reporter, Consequence of Sound, and more. Find him (and not much else) on Twitter and Instagram.